Okay so maybe I'm not perfect

Notice I said maybe...

It is officially December 1st as of fifty three minutes ago.  NaNoWriMo is officially over for another year and I haven't written in more than a week - well, except for here on my blog.  I thought it might be therapeutic to reflect on what the month and my unsuccessful finish has taught me.  First and foremost, I realize I'm not perfect and, although I normally do exactly what I say I'm going to do when I say I'm going to do it, sometimes I just can't do everything I want.  That's what happened this year.

Am I wallowing in self doubt and telling myself I'm not a "real" writer?  No 

Do I want to?  Yes

Will I? Only for a minute or two every now and again before I snap myself out of it

Instead I'm going to focus on the positives of the month: 

1. This year I wrote more in November than I had in the six months previous combined 
2. I have a kick ass start to the rewrite of what I hope to someday be a kick ass novel people can pick up off a shelf and read
3. I'm inspired again to work on said novel I "shelved" six months ago which, without NaNoWriMo would still be languishing in the recesses of my mind

So, what the hell happened?  How can an entire month fly by so quickly that I don't even realize it's gone?  Probably the same way almost an entire year has passed since I had my baby who is now 10 months old, that's how!  She is almost walking, crawling everywhere and quite honestly I blame her almost solely for my lack of writing time this month.  I'm knocking on 39's door and I don't have enough energy to keep up with her, my job, my running and still have time to write.  It is what it is and I accept that I can't do everything but sometimes getting older really sucks.  Remember the days where you could stay up until the wee hours of the morning and still get up and function all day?  Now I actually need sleep... so irritating sometimes!  Although back then I lived with my parents and had little control over my own life so there is a trade off I guess.

There were times throughout this past month I had flashes of self loathing.  Times where I would think "what are you doing?  Why aren't you writing?" and berate myself for lack of will power and commitment.  But I realize that - although I know it is most likely a rationalization of some kind - it is okay to accept that things are sometime beyond my control with my life and it doesn't have to mean that I am a failure.

Tonight I thought about making a final stand and spending the three hours I had while big sister was at dance writing  - just to see how much I could get done by the end of the deadline.  But there was baby sister and how could I resist those big blue eyes and that skinny little diaper butt that beckoned me to follow while she crawled all over the house and pointed at the wind chimes she wanted me to activate for her listening pleasure.  And then there was the giggling when I tickled her and the cute way she has of flinging her little head back to tell me she wants to go upside down so she can come back up and laugh some more.  And shaking her head "no" at me when I tell her not to push the buttons on the TV or open the cabinets to investigate the treasures within.  Yes, I picked her and snuggling on the couch with big sister when she got home from dance instead of making a last stand for 2010's insanity of a writing goal.  I'm guessing even if that means it takes me another year to finish the novel it will still be worth it since I will never forget the everyday joys of the times like we had tonight.

So, there is always next year to try again.  This time more prepared and hopefully with a finished draft of my first novel already under my belt.  Here's to growing up almost as fast as I'm growing old...