I've been in a bit of a funk the past few weeks. Life interfering with my running has me doubting whether I can even be ready for Ragnar this year. Being crazy busy with Big Sister's dance competition season leaves me no time for much of anything past my day job, cooking dinner and trying to stay ahead of Little Sister's toy bombs before bed. I've had zero energy for staying up late which means I haven't written in weeks. Because I haven't written in weeks I feel like I've lost the spark of creativity and the roll I was on a couple of months ago; and the overwhelming thought of what it will take to re-immerse myself has me dragging my feet to start again.
I certainly hope this shit is somehow normal because I rarely find myself in this land called self-doubt. But right now the world is pressing on me with stress and insanity and I have yet to rally myself completely out of it.
Maybe I'm just sad because we are losing Little Sister's amazing nanny at the end of this week as she embarks on new adventures with her husband - on the other side of the country. She's been with us since Little Sister was five months old - two solid years - and has become one of my closest friends and confidants. Whenever I think of life without her I get all weepy and sad. I don't even want to think about the reality of what next week will look like where I don't see her every morning. And work from home days without long lunch-time conversations are really going to suck...
But, like the little engine that could from that childhood book I remember having to read to my youngest brother over and over again... I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I keep telling myself that - even if it is something I actually believe one minute and the next something I'm merely willing to be true.
It's amazing what a positive attitude can do to turn things around. Even if it isn't in profound ways. After taking a week off of running to address some knee pain issues - caused by lack of cross training to strengthen my quads - I went for what my training program called for yesterday: an EIGHTY MINUTE run. Twice as long as I've done since my injury. I didn't think I had it in me but guess what, I did! The first mile was all uphill and I powered through it. The middle was fraught with headwind that sucked the speed out of me. But when it was all said and done I busted out FIVE miles and did the entire run. Boo-ya! Just because I'm using a different training program from the last two Ragnars doesn't mean it isn't effective. I just have to keep believing I can stick with it and be ready in two months.
Luckily I have my writer's group looming toward the end of the month spurring me on to get writing - which I haven't done since the last meeting. Instead of wallowing in all that I could have been doing which is in the past and cannot be controlled or changed, I am choosing instead to focus on what I can control: now, the present. As always, I get my creative juices flowing and build momentum by crafting blog posts. Step one, check! since here I am!
A conversation I had with an old friend a couple of days ago reminded me that even if I don't make cookies from scratch, even buying the package you add butter and an egg to and making a dozen cookies 'hot from the oven' is enough for my kids and won't overstress me. All I remember from making cookies from my own childhood is how messy the kitchen was and that I always got stuck doing the dishes afterward. This way, my kids only get the joy of warm cookies without all the extra fuss and I'll still be a great Mom in their memories.
Maybe I should write what I know - who's interested in a story of an overachiever fighting to be super woman and perfect in every aspect of her life? Because I could totally write that shit with my eyes closed and two hands tied behind my back! Too bad inner conflict isn't enough to build a solid plot. Guess I'll stick with living that story and finishing the one I'm writing instead!
Here's to getting and maintaining momentum - may we all be successful at it at least today.