How the hell did it get to be mid-August and almost 2 months since I wrote anything substantial? (Besides my blog of course!) It isn't like I don't know where the story goes - I know exactly how it ends already. It isn't like I haven't had time - I've sat down several times and re-read the amazing scene where I left off with almost all of my crucial characters finally all in the same room where they can now go on together to the climax. And then an hour has gone by - or once it was almost three - and not a single new word written. Not ONE! Very disheartening and after the third time I decided I should really figure out what is going on before I open that file on my computer again. And here we are... August and neck-deep in self-doubt and self-loathing because I'm STILL STUCK HERE!
So, I've been doing some major soul searching - 3 and 4 mile runs give you plenty of time for it when you're not wallowing in doubt and loathing! And in the course of my busy life the last couple of weeks, I've had the opportunity to talk with two of my writing buddies from my critique group who helped put my finger on the real heart of the issue.
It all started when I went to the writer's conference where I honed my skills by leaps and bounds and took my writing to the next level. What I couldn't see, but that has been lurking in my brain, is the fact that I must once again start over... or at the very least revise entirely what I have written. All 63,208 words of it. Because my protagonist has been acting all wrong. And I mean ALL wrong!
But, as devastating a realization as that is, it isn't even the true issue yet!
The core issue is: what kind of a writer am I? Am I one that writes with a plot or am I a discovery writer who lets her characters decide what happens and where things go? Am I a write-the-first-draft-before-I-read-a-single-word-for-revision writer or am I a revise-as-I-go-so-when-things-change-I-can-fix-them writer? Because I don't yet know the answers to these two fundamental questions, I cannot go on. Because do I write the next part as if I've already gone back and fixed my main character's flaws that I now know exist assuming I'll fix everything in the 2nd draft revisions? Or do I stop now and go back to the beginning and make things right before I go on?
If there is one thing I've learned in this almost two year journey of being a writer (albeit an unpublished one still) it is that, while every published author has an opinion of how writing should or does happen based on their own creative process, no one is exactly the same. What motivates us and keeps us writing is as unique as the authors themselves. And what works for my hero Stephen King (write to the end and don't read a word until months later when it's time to revise it and don't even think of plotting!) is not what works for everyone else - possibly myself included.
So, like an alcoholic at her first meeting, here I sit acknowledging I have a problem to solve. But, admitting the problem is the first step! Now I just have to figure out where to go from here. Stay tuned since even I don't yet know where that is except back to consistent writing in some form. After all, I've got to finish my first draft of the current project before October 31st since NaNoWriMo commences in November and I already have an idea for my next project...
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
This was a book club pick - one which I toyed with choosing a year ago myself and put down after about 200 pages and the first graphic rape scene assuming the rest of the ladies in the group would find it too disturbing. I'm so glad someone else had the courage to pick it and make everyone read to the end. With its mammoth size at 973 pages it is very intimidating but, as our group proved, it can be done in a month and is so worth the read!
The story and characters are so well developed and fascinating that even when I was under pressure to finish in time for the discussion (which I didn't!) I couldn't force myself to skip ahead or even skim quickly. The story tells the struggle over the decades to design and build a cathedral in a small town in England. It is told from the point of view of the builders as well as the monks who are financing and encompasses bishops, earls, lords, entrepreneurs and the struggles of a civil war to determine the new king. The information on architecture and medieval society were enthralling and the author weaved the fictional story beautifully into the history of the times so it was marginally educational as well as entertaining giving the reader a glimpse into what it might have been like living in the time period. The overall story arch is a mystery that spans almost two generations before finally being solved and keeps you guessing until the very end. The story was never predictable and is raw and authentic and emotional.
I went back and forth on what to rate this book but in the end I chose 4 stars instead of 5 simply because it is not an easy read. With so many characters and story lines it requires dedication to stick with it. Unlike many, it is not a book you can easily carry around reading only here and there and thus not one I would read again - which is my own personal criteria of a 5-star tome. Pick it up when you have time to dedicate because you won't want to put it down once you start.
The story and characters are so well developed and fascinating that even when I was under pressure to finish in time for the discussion (which I didn't!) I couldn't force myself to skip ahead or even skim quickly. The story tells the struggle over the decades to design and build a cathedral in a small town in England. It is told from the point of view of the builders as well as the monks who are financing and encompasses bishops, earls, lords, entrepreneurs and the struggles of a civil war to determine the new king. The information on architecture and medieval society were enthralling and the author weaved the fictional story beautifully into the history of the times so it was marginally educational as well as entertaining giving the reader a glimpse into what it might have been like living in the time period. The overall story arch is a mystery that spans almost two generations before finally being solved and keeps you guessing until the very end. The story was never predictable and is raw and authentic and emotional.
I went back and forth on what to rate this book but in the end I chose 4 stars instead of 5 simply because it is not an easy read. With so many characters and story lines it requires dedication to stick with it. Unlike many, it is not a book you can easily carry around reading only here and there and thus not one I would read again - which is my own personal criteria of a 5-star tome. Pick it up when you have time to dedicate because you won't want to put it down once you start.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Putting on the big girl panties
It is official... I AM a Runner! No more do I talk about going running and mean "running" as in I walk most of the way with a few short bursts of jogging. No, now I can run for 20+ minutes straight with no walking in the middle. AND I'm not winded doing it! If you've spent much time with me on my blog you'll know that when I started down the running road I could barely run for 30 seconds at a time before I thought I'd die - literally. If you would have told me then that I could or would be running for 20 minutes in a row and feel like I could go more I would have thought you were crazy, secretly hope it would happen and doubt it ever would. Today, it is a reality and I love it!
So, how did I do it? What made the difference? I found a buddy who was exactly where I was - starting at the bottom and had never run a day in her life but wanted to. We both got a Nike+ SportBand that comes with a coach feature. We started a "Walk to Run" coaching program that walked us through every single day exactly what to do and followed it like our lives depended on it. I'm only 8 weeks into that 12 week program and I'm running 2+ miles a day 6 days a week. Yes, ME!
At the end of the 12 week program, we'll be running a 5K race. This will not be my first 5K but it will be the first one I actually run the entire way and run to compete rather than just complete.
And in October, I'm running my first half marathon! Yes, as in 13.1 miles of running. How fitting - my first half marathon is called the Halloween Half and I get to run it in my Halloween costume on my favorite day of the year. What could be better? Um... having the first draft of my novel complete before then, too?
So, how did I do it? What made the difference? I found a buddy who was exactly where I was - starting at the bottom and had never run a day in her life but wanted to. We both got a Nike+ SportBand that comes with a coach feature. We started a "Walk to Run" coaching program that walked us through every single day exactly what to do and followed it like our lives depended on it. I'm only 8 weeks into that 12 week program and I'm running 2+ miles a day 6 days a week. Yes, ME!
At the end of the 12 week program, we'll be running a 5K race. This will not be my first 5K but it will be the first one I actually run the entire way and run to compete rather than just complete.
And in October, I'm running my first half marathon! Yes, as in 13.1 miles of running. How fitting - my first half marathon is called the Halloween Half and I get to run it in my Halloween costume on my favorite day of the year. What could be better? Um... having the first draft of my novel complete before then, too?
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Feeling inadequate amidst success
I am an amazing woman who finds time to raise two young daughters and be a wife while working full time at my "real" job, train for my first half marathon in October, manage a family schedule going in at least three different ways daily AND write a book in my spare time while keeping up with my monthly reading for book club. Yes, I'm exhausted just thinking about it! So why is it that I feel inadequate?
I'm certain it is because I have not had a chance to write in several weeks and my resolve to live like a writer is failing as a test of character. I know I am being super hard on myself but I'm also being honest at the moment. I don't normally do guilt but lately I go to bed and feel guilty that amidst all the chaos of my life another day has gone by without writing. I found time to run 3 miles tonight and I am willing myself to read a 1000 page book this month for book club that I'm hopefully on track to finish by the end of the week. And yet, I can't find time in a day to write. And even when I do, like now, I'm writing on my blog instead of my manuscript!
If I look at it objectively I can admit that I've been extremely busy the last three weeks. My sister in law got married over the 4th of July weekend two states away (six-day road trip), Big Sister had a dance competition in Las Vegas two weeks before that (another road trip) and I didn't even have a moment to crack the laptop open on either trip. When I got back the laundry had doubled in size and the time I normally would have spent writing I spent getting caught up on laundry and getting my house into a semblance of order again before we have to pack for the next big trip at the end of the month for my family reunion. My running I can do at work at the gym and, with hubby working mostly night shifts lately, my evenings are devoted to dotting on my kids - not to mention the Dance Studio Shuttle Bus 4 days a week. So it isn't like I don't have valid "reasons" to have little writing to show for the last months. But that also isn't how I want to be - with a rational excuse/reason for not writing. No, I want to be a writer, damn it!
In the end, I'm going to quit my bitching, acknowledge what an amazing feat surviving and staying on top of my life is, and vow to do better in the coming weeks. It's like my hubby always says about the lottery: you'll never win if you don't play. The same can be said about writing: if you're not doing it every day, you'll never finish or get published.
I met a blogger (who I will keep anonymous to protect the innocent) a few weeks ago who has hundreds of followers and spouts advice to admiring fans everywhere and I learned that SHE. ISN'T. EVEN. PUBLISHED. YET. If she can get that big of a following and talk that kind of talk having 'only' landed an agent, think about what I can do once I get my first novel under my belt. I am recommitting myself starting now: I will stop procrastinating and just write!
I'm certain it is because I have not had a chance to write in several weeks and my resolve to live like a writer is failing as a test of character. I know I am being super hard on myself but I'm also being honest at the moment. I don't normally do guilt but lately I go to bed and feel guilty that amidst all the chaos of my life another day has gone by without writing. I found time to run 3 miles tonight and I am willing myself to read a 1000 page book this month for book club that I'm hopefully on track to finish by the end of the week. And yet, I can't find time in a day to write. And even when I do, like now, I'm writing on my blog instead of my manuscript!
If I look at it objectively I can admit that I've been extremely busy the last three weeks. My sister in law got married over the 4th of July weekend two states away (six-day road trip), Big Sister had a dance competition in Las Vegas two weeks before that (another road trip) and I didn't even have a moment to crack the laptop open on either trip. When I got back the laundry had doubled in size and the time I normally would have spent writing I spent getting caught up on laundry and getting my house into a semblance of order again before we have to pack for the next big trip at the end of the month for my family reunion. My running I can do at work at the gym and, with hubby working mostly night shifts lately, my evenings are devoted to dotting on my kids - not to mention the Dance Studio Shuttle Bus 4 days a week. So it isn't like I don't have valid "reasons" to have little writing to show for the last months. But that also isn't how I want to be - with a rational excuse/reason for not writing. No, I want to be a writer, damn it!
In the end, I'm going to quit my bitching, acknowledge what an amazing feat surviving and staying on top of my life is, and vow to do better in the coming weeks. It's like my hubby always says about the lottery: you'll never win if you don't play. The same can be said about writing: if you're not doing it every day, you'll never finish or get published.
I met a blogger (who I will keep anonymous to protect the innocent) a few weeks ago who has hundreds of followers and spouts advice to admiring fans everywhere and I learned that SHE. ISN'T. EVEN. PUBLISHED. YET. If she can get that big of a following and talk that kind of talk having 'only' landed an agent, think about what I can do once I get my first novel under my belt. I am recommitting myself starting now: I will stop procrastinating and just write!
Monday, June 21, 2010
I Am Not A Serial Killer
What an amazing read! Once in a great while a book comes along that actually lives up to the hype on the cover. This one claims to be "unputdownable" and it really was! It is a young adult horror novel but anyone will find the main character undeniably fascinating. Creepy, yes, but fascinating nonetheless. Since it is a young adult genre, even the violence is tame enough for those with a gentler disposition. I knew I would love this book regardless of it's merits since I met Dan Wells and got some great critique and mentoring from him at my writer's boot camp. It was even better than I had anticipated and made the hardback purchase for ass-kissing-with-the-author-so-he'd-share-his-secrets well worth it.
The main character is a 15-year old sociopath who's family owns a mortuary. He is fascinated with serial killers and because he is in therapy and knows he has issues he has constructed a whole lot of rules to keep from turning into a serial killer himself. When there is a real serial killer who comes to town and begins terrorizing the inhabitants, he must use his knowledge of the serial killers he has studied to try and figure out who is behind the killings. You don't know whether to love or hate him as he plays both protagonist and antagonist at times. The twists and turns and glimpses into a sociopath's mind keep you turning the pages so quickly that it is over before you could think twice about putting it down. I highly recommend this book to anyone - even the young adults it was marketed for.
The best part of this book for me personally was the fact it has proven, even though I have become an author turned crazy nit-picking reader, that good fiction can still be found and enjoyed. It is just sometimes harder to find...and comes packaged in the strangest of covers. This book also marks the first non-book club read for me this year. How utterly pathetic on so many levels...
The main character is a 15-year old sociopath who's family owns a mortuary. He is fascinated with serial killers and because he is in therapy and knows he has issues he has constructed a whole lot of rules to keep from turning into a serial killer himself. When there is a real serial killer who comes to town and begins terrorizing the inhabitants, he must use his knowledge of the serial killers he has studied to try and figure out who is behind the killings. You don't know whether to love or hate him as he plays both protagonist and antagonist at times. The twists and turns and glimpses into a sociopath's mind keep you turning the pages so quickly that it is over before you could think twice about putting it down. I highly recommend this book to anyone - even the young adults it was marketed for.
The best part of this book for me personally was the fact it has proven, even though I have become an author turned crazy nit-picking reader, that good fiction can still be found and enjoyed. It is just sometimes harder to find...and comes packaged in the strangest of covers. This book also marks the first non-book club read for me this year. How utterly pathetic on so many levels...
Life of Pi
I should have read this book before I became a writer... I read the jacket cover which told me it was a story about a boy and a tiger shipwrecked on a lifeboat - which sounded really interesting! Then I had to read 97 agonizing pages of a 'Part One' in which nothing really happened except give background story. (One of the first no-no's for an author.) In a nutshell, this was a great story, but badly written. I spent the first half of the book wondering when there was going to be a point and, by the time things started happening, I was so mad that I could have cared less about the interesting aspects of the story or even the main character. I'm glad it was a book club discussion because I came to appreciate the nuances through the eyes of my fellow readers but I still hated the actual reading of it. The author has a great way with description but sifting through the meandering of the monotony made it not really worth it.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to read for the mere enjoyment without critiquing and analyzing what I would have done differently. One thing is for sure, I have morphed into more of a writer than a reader and sometimes I lament the loss...
I wonder if I'll ever be able to read for the mere enjoyment without critiquing and analyzing what I would have done differently. One thing is for sure, I have morphed into more of a writer than a reader and sometimes I lament the loss...
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
The new bod
I've said it before: the proof is in the pants - and it is still true.
I just finished the maintenance phase of my last round of HCG protocol. In a nutshell, HCG has three phases. Phase 1, you do daily shots and eat a very restricted diet and then phase 2 (or maintenance) is three weeks of "no starch and no sugar". This gives your hypothalamus time to rest from the intensity of phase 1 as well as establish a new set point for your 'normal' weight. This set point is the place you now yo yo back and forth from but always return to. (For more details about how the whole HCG thing works, you can read the research from the doctor who developed it here.) Phase 3 is "normal" eating with your new habits.
We all know from my previous lamenting posts I did not lose the 40 pounds I wanted to lose in the 40 days of phase 1 I endured and pushed myself through to the bitter end. But I can't very well complain about the almost 30 that I lost in just over a month. There isn't really supposed to be much fluctuation in phase 2 - no more than 2 pounds either way - so my expectations were low and I did well with my "maintenance" activities. (I've gotten REALLY good at finding "no sugar added" ice cream in the city!)
One night, at the end of phase 1 or the beginning of phase 2, my sister and I went through all the pants in my closet ... as deep as they go and as many sizes as I've been hoarding... I either donated to charity those that were dismally out of date (the 80's called and they want their pants back!), handed off to my sister if they didn't fit anymore since she's wearing the size I just came out of, or kept in the closet in two categories: the ones that fit now and the ones that are "almost" perfect. This later category were those pants that I could get my ass into and could do up but that were not quite comfortable once I got to that point.
And then I started running again. But this time using a set training program with a coach and a 5K goal in August!
This morning I pulled out some pants and put them on and realized they were hanging on me. Like there was enough room for me to put my baby inside with me for sure and possibly even my eight year old. How the hell did that happen? I tried on every pair of slacks I own in one sitting so I wouldn't have to do this every morning anymore searching for pants that fit! I chalked it up to a late night with my sister and pulled out another pair. They fit the same way! Eventually, several pairs later... (Yes, it took a while! Don't judge, I hadn't had any coffee yet!) I ended up pulling out some of the Capri's I've been dying to wear from that "not quite there" category and guess what! THEY. FIT. PERFECTLY.
I loved how I felt all day and I had another great run this afternoon completely inspired by how I look and feel in my "new" pants. That damn scale says I weigh exactly the same as the last day I took a shot three weeks ago but I know I couldn't wear these pants that day because I tried. And I can't lie... I am now one of those women who turns to the side with her butt sticking out in the restroom so I can check how my ass looks in the mirror. What an amazing feeling - it's almost as great as knowing I can walk 4 miles pushing my 5 month old in the stroller without batting an eye or straining a body part.
I am still in love with running - happily the affair did not die off on my long hiatus of pregnancy and recovery - and I'm training strong. I'm preparing for a 5K in August - the first one I'll run/jog the majority of instead of the other way around. Hell, at the rate I'm progressing, I'll be running the entire 5k! And, more importantly, I'm enjoying my new body as I continue to mold it with running and proper diet. Bring on the swim suit weather! I'm ready! Well... at least the shorts and tanks! Is a woman ever really ready for swimsuit season?
I just finished the maintenance phase of my last round of HCG protocol. In a nutshell, HCG has three phases. Phase 1, you do daily shots and eat a very restricted diet and then phase 2 (or maintenance) is three weeks of "no starch and no sugar". This gives your hypothalamus time to rest from the intensity of phase 1 as well as establish a new set point for your 'normal' weight. This set point is the place you now yo yo back and forth from but always return to. (For more details about how the whole HCG thing works, you can read the research from the doctor who developed it here.) Phase 3 is "normal" eating with your new habits.
We all know from my previous lamenting posts I did not lose the 40 pounds I wanted to lose in the 40 days of phase 1 I endured and pushed myself through to the bitter end. But I can't very well complain about the almost 30 that I lost in just over a month. There isn't really supposed to be much fluctuation in phase 2 - no more than 2 pounds either way - so my expectations were low and I did well with my "maintenance" activities. (I've gotten REALLY good at finding "no sugar added" ice cream in the city!)
One night, at the end of phase 1 or the beginning of phase 2, my sister and I went through all the pants in my closet ... as deep as they go and as many sizes as I've been hoarding... I either donated to charity those that were dismally out of date (the 80's called and they want their pants back!), handed off to my sister if they didn't fit anymore since she's wearing the size I just came out of, or kept in the closet in two categories: the ones that fit now and the ones that are "almost" perfect. This later category were those pants that I could get my ass into and could do up but that were not quite comfortable once I got to that point.
And then I started running again. But this time using a set training program with a coach and a 5K goal in August!
This morning I pulled out some pants and put them on and realized they were hanging on me. Like there was enough room for me to put my baby inside with me for sure and possibly even my eight year old. How the hell did that happen? I tried on every pair of slacks I own in one sitting so I wouldn't have to do this every morning anymore searching for pants that fit! I chalked it up to a late night with my sister and pulled out another pair. They fit the same way! Eventually, several pairs later... (Yes, it took a while! Don't judge, I hadn't had any coffee yet!) I ended up pulling out some of the Capri's I've been dying to wear from that "not quite there" category and guess what! THEY. FIT. PERFECTLY.
I loved how I felt all day and I had another great run this afternoon completely inspired by how I look and feel in my "new" pants. That damn scale says I weigh exactly the same as the last day I took a shot three weeks ago but I know I couldn't wear these pants that day because I tried. And I can't lie... I am now one of those women who turns to the side with her butt sticking out in the restroom so I can check how my ass looks in the mirror. What an amazing feeling - it's almost as great as knowing I can walk 4 miles pushing my 5 month old in the stroller without batting an eye or straining a body part.
I am still in love with running - happily the affair did not die off on my long hiatus of pregnancy and recovery - and I'm training strong. I'm preparing for a 5K in August - the first one I'll run/jog the majority of instead of the other way around. Hell, at the rate I'm progressing, I'll be running the entire 5k! And, more importantly, I'm enjoying my new body as I continue to mold it with running and proper diet. Bring on the swim suit weather! I'm ready! Well... at least the shorts and tanks! Is a woman ever really ready for swimsuit season?
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