Tender Mercies, A Perspective on Grieving

Welcome to my new normal... I lost my mom to liver disease on August 23rd. Ironically, she had never had a drink of alcohol in her life. The week preceding her death was filled with things I thought I would never have to do. Some I'd never even considered possibilities and many I should have prepared for but simply had not.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm lucky. I should have lost my Dad the same week I lost my Mom and very well could have. He totaled his 2014 Harley-Davidson Street Glide on Friday morning and was taken by helicopter to the nearest hospital. He was wearing his helmet, which he did every time he rides thankfully, and sustained only minor injuries. 'Minor' considering he flipped his bike end over end twice, landing on his head both times. They kept him overnight for observation which was to be the first in a long chain of events that week, the worst week of my life. I believe things happen for a reason; and that there was a reason for this accident especially.

Mom admitted to me that night that she didn't think she should spend the night alone - something she did five nights out of every week while my Dad was at work. It was a first and heralded the beginning of the end. My siblings and I rallied together to be with Mom all weekend and get Dad home from the hospital an hour away. That weekend I bought adult diapers, helped Mom shower and transfer on and off the toilet - things this daughter had never prepared myself for. We all stepped up and did what needed to be done while I silently wondered if worrying about Mom was why Dad had wrecked his bike. Especially if this had become his normal.

Mom had been sick for many years - diagnosed for four but symptomatic closer to ten because she was a stubborn nurse who refused to see a doctor regularly. We had watched her decline slowly the last couple of years but she was still living at home. She didn't drive anymore but Dad would take her religiously for her hair and nail appointments. Most weeks they would go to dinner with us on Friday nights and still saw friends often.We'd even gone camping as a family three weekends before. By Saturday morning we all agreed that with Dad hurt and in a neck brace for the next ten days he was going to need help. Help none of us were equipped to offer. That weekend I helped coordinate with her doctors to get emergency orders for home health care, we all kicked into cleaning and de-cluttering mode to make room for what we anticipated was a need for a hospital bed since she could no longer get in and out of her own by herself seemingly overnight, and we met with a nurse to assess Mom's current health.

The worst side effect of liver disease is the build up of ammonia in the brain called encephalopathy that presents as memory loss. That weekend there were several times Mom would look at us and it was like there was no one looking back from behind her eyes. It was much worse than we had been experiencing with forgetting how old she was or how long she'd been married or not being very good at lengthy conversations. All of which we'd been dealing with for at least the past year. By Monday morning, she couldn't walk by herself and there was evidence of internal bleeding. We headed to the emergency department at the hospital. Mom never came home. They stabilized her and did everything they could but her kidneys had also failed and there was nothing anyone could do to fix it.

It was a week of emotional turmoil as my Dad leaned on us to help make the hardest decisions a person can be faced with. Would she want to be intubated? Would she want to be kept alive on a feeding tube? Would she be okay with spending half of every day for the rest of her life hooked up to a dialysis machine to keep her alive? Would she be happy if she had to go to a skilled nursing facility and not be allowed to live at home anymore? She was never conscious enough to rationally help us make these decisions. Heart-wrenching and heart-breaking. In the end Dad knew enough about her wishes to make the hard choices. We withdrew care early Saturday morning. She was gone by the evening.

Someone said to me right after it happened that nothing can prepare you for losing a parent. So true. No matter that we all knew it was a possibility for years, it still hurt like a bitch. In the weeks since her death I've come to focus on the tender mercies that came with the heart-ripping sadness and give me comfort.

The first and most obvious mercy was not having to bury both of my parents in the course of a week. If things had turned out differently that Friday morning, a morning that started the way so many others had before with Hubby and Dad heading out for a day trip on the motorcycles, we would have.


Even bigger, the realization that Mom went out exactly as she would have wanted it. She tried in April to make me promise that she'd never have to go to a care facility or a nursing home. A promise I told her flat out I couldn't make because none of us were equipped to care for her if it came to that. As it happened, Mom lived out her days at home with the love of her life until she couldn't and then went swiftly from this life to whatever lies beyond. She never had to face her greatest fear in life - living without Dad. And she was surrounded by the thing that made her happiest for an entire week before she passed - her family. I will cherish every day I spent with her in the hospital that week and be forever grateful for a job flexible enough that I was there every day.


So many of the events that week seemed serendipitous. Tuesday night all the grand kids came and spent the evening. It was difficult to watch my own children struggle both with understanding what was happening (Baby Sister) and with knowing exactly what might be happening (Big Sister). There were near-hysterics involved but in the end all of them were able to tell her everything they wanted or needed to say - and heard Grandma tell them she loved them back. Had we waited another day, they wouldn't have had the chance. She was transferred the next afternoon and children are not allowed in the ICU.

Many people warned me that the funeral and all the things leading up to her burial were going to be so rough. Certainly they were difficult - especially speaking at the funeral - but nothing was as hard as watching her actually pass from this world. I cling to the memory of watching her use her last ounce of breath to tell us she loved us and to kiss Dad over and over until she didn't have any more strength left. Such a tender mercy, having her still conscious enough for that final goodbye.

I watch people tread lightly around my grief and part of me is surprised there isn't more of it in evidence. But the reality is, we slowly lost Mom for years and there is comfort in knowing she isn't suffering anymore. It doesn't mean I didn't sob all the way home after stumbling on an old voicemail from her today. Because I did. Hearing her voice and calling me her pet name were things I hadn't even considered how much I would miss. I thank my brush with death and resulting shift in perspective of not taking people or time with them for granted. It, too, must have happened for a reason. I have very few regrets because I spent as much time as I could with my parents in Mom's final year. I will miss her everyday but I know she is in a better place - wherever that may be.

I've said it before since that fateful day of my pulmonary embolism and I'll say it again. Squeeze those you love and make every minute count. Tomorrow is not promised. Even if you know the inevitable is inevitable, you can never really be ready. More important, have the difficult discussions with those you love about what you would want if you ever find yourself in a situation requiring life support and unable to make decisions for yourself. It was the single worst thing I've ever had to do in my life. Trust me that you don't want your loved ones not to know at least the general ideas you have on death and dying.

Much gratitude and love to those of you who make up my village - who brought food and gifts, took my kids, sent cards and flowers, hugged me, got me drunk, came to the services, called, sent texts and Facebook messages and in general got me through this as a collective. I couldn't have done it without all of you.

A pause for berevement

I just had the worst week of my entire life topped off with the passing of my beloved Mom. Regularly scheduled blogging will commence once I figure out how to live again with some semblance of normalcy. Squeeze your loved ones and make every moment count...

Heart of Annihilation

Today I have the honor of kicking off the blog tour for one fabulous book - Heart of Annihilation by C.R. Asay. A book with a very special place in my heart. C.R. is a member of my own writing group so I've watched and participated intimately through the entire creative process. I've read it countless times. It's amazing. But don't let my biased judgement be the only thing that sways you... it is an exciting and imaginative read that you don't want to miss. Especially if you love science fiction with a military twist and a strong female lead. Or maybe it's military with a science fiction twist? Just trust me and pick this one up.

When U.S. Army Specialist Kris Rose catches members of her unit stealing ammunition to kill aliens, she is forced to defend herself—with a freakish electrical charge shooting from her fingertips.

Shaken by her newly found power and hunted by vigilantes from her unit, Rose is forced away from her structured, military world and into a fight for her life. 

With the aid of her battle buddy, Corporal Thurmond, Rose sets out to learn more about the aliens under attack. In the process, she discovers her bizarre connection to a devastating threat to Earth—an alternate dimensional weapon called the Heart of Annihilation.

From a chuteless free-fall from 20,000 feet, to deadly bullet wounds and the unforgiving Sonoron Desert, Rose enters a world where aliens are real. And she may be one of them.

I sat down with C.R., otherwise known as Christauna, for an interview figuring I already knew all the answers. I was wrong... 

__________

 Where did your idea for Heart of Annihilation come from? 

Heart of Annihilation grew very slowly. I wrote a scene about Specialist Rose facing down a greasy, redheaded lieutenant with an M16 and then I let it sit for weeks. Maybe months. I sure thought about it a lot. Why was she there? What put her in that situation? I’m honestly not sure exactly how it grew from there. I knew I wanted something sci-fi. I thought aliens. My husband suggested dimensions. We compromised. I wrote a lot of disconnected scenes but it wasn’t until over halfway through the book that I knew where I wanted my characters to end up. Then it was just a matter of revising over the course of 5-6 years, molding the story like a clay sculpture until it resembled what it is today. I will probably never again write a book the way I wrote Heart of Annihilation. This one is special. 

I remember that first scene well... And now here you are with a book you can hold in your hands. So cool! Every parent secretly has a favorite child - do you have a favorite character you love more than the rest?

 Yeah…Thurmond. Definitely. He’s just such a rock solid person and decent human being. He epitomizes how I see the U.S. soldier. He’s a hero. It also helps that he has a lot of the quirks and personality traits I see in my husband…

What is your secret to writing violence?

 You can’t pull any punches, no pun intended. Human beings are the best, most gracious creatures in the world, but they are also the vilest. Just turn on the news and you will see a lot of worst-case scenarios. When you’re writing a book that naturally contains a lot of violence, sometimes you need to look deep inside yourself and write what is most distasteful to you in order to elicit the same emotion in the reader.

I wrote the whole storyline for the character Caz Fisk in about two weeks of almost constant work. And I hated it. I hated sludging through her mind and wondering what hateful thing I was going to have to write next. It was a dark two weeks that left me in a sour mood and short tempered with my children. Editing those sections later wasn’t as bad as the writing, but having to channel her violence was very unpleasant. And they turned out great.

Caz is actually my favorite character - because she's so gritty and violent. You nailed it. Is this a stand-alone or is there more to come?

I anticipate this to be a 3-4 book series (I’m aiming for 3). The second book, working title Miss Risk, is complete in rough draft form. Book 3 is in the early stages of drafting.

How long did it take you to write Heart of Annihilation?

Write or edit? The writing probably took about a year. The editing/revising? More like five years. That’s not normal, even for me, but Heart of Annihilation is the first novel I wrote and so it was the one on which I learned the writing process. Usually an author will abandon their training novel and just write a new one in order to grow as a writer. The plot and characters in Heart of Annihilation were so compelling to me that I couldn’t let them go. So I revised into publication.

I like the sound of that: "training novel". I might have to steal the term. What exactly is your writing process?

When I have an idea I will let it roll around in my head for days, weeks, sometimes months, gathering more ideas to it, adding some characters, even some structure until one day the starting sentence will form in my mind and I have to race to my computer to get it down. Once it’s down the rest follows fairly quickly. I don’t outline. I write by the seat of my pants and revise heavily in the aftermath.

I’m surrounded by “pantsers”! What is your favorite part of being an author?

Watching characters come to life. All the plots and magic systems in the world are no match for a flesh and blood character who is so real you wish you could meet him/her. Although preferably not at night in a dark alley with some --

Okay, let's not go there... Least favorite part?

The actual writing. No really, it’s a painful process. Exhilarating at times, but more often frustrating and hard. I love revising afterwards but the actual writing exhausts me and causes giant sweat rings to form under my arms.

Sweat rings are very un-ladylike. Knowing that's your least favorite part, what keeps you motivated to write?

The potential thrill of introducing characters to others and creating an experience of wonder in readers.

What else have you written?

I have a haunted house horror story I’m working on called Project Specter. I’m really excited about this one. I also have a couple of anthology pieces coming soon. One is to support TADSAW (Train a Dog, Save a Warrior), which will be out on Veterans Day 2014. The second is for Utah Fantasy Authors, with all contributors being local authors including a certain someone whom I’ve visiting today *wink, wink*.

Hey, no spoilers!! We’re talking about you, remember? How did you go from aspiring writer to published author?

With an insane amount of persistence and work. I have rejections from literary agents and publishers piled to the ceiling. Each and every one took turns crushing my spirit allowing me to be reborn from the ashes better than before. I learned, I worked, and I dreamed until I was able to make my dream a reality.

Being an author takes some pretty tough skin.  Do you have any advice for other aspiring writers?

Never stop learning and improving your craft. Don’t settle or take the easy route. There is no easy route. “Good enough” is not good enough. Find a way to make it better. Set your sites high and never stop aiming for exactly what you want. A book is a work of art. Make sure yours eventually matches your vision.

Great advice. What is the most surprising thing you’ve learned so far on your journey?

That I can do hard things. Like really hard things. I have ADHD which makes some of the simplest tasks in the world seem like Everest. But I can scale it. Having this book come out will forever attest to my ability to overcome my disability and be just as successful as I aspire to be.

Wow, I had no idea. Now I understand the tears when you held your baby in your hands for the first time. Are there more books we can look forward to? And if so, when?

I’m aiming for the release of book 2 summer 2015 with the 3^rd book to follow in 2016.

I'm looking forward to finding out where the story takes us from here. You've built such an interesting world of inter-dimensional politics driven by compelling characters who each have their own agendas. Okay, I kind of already know but I'm sure anyone who reads Heart of Annihilation will want to know, too. Membership in a writing group does have its perks. Even better than an Advanced Reader Copy (ARC) is getting to see something as it is created... But I digress.

Where can readers find and connect with you?

Like my Facebook page and Goodreads page to get news of giveaways and forthcoming books.

You can also check out my website crasay.com and my blog nonsensicalessentials.blogspot.com.

  __________

Thanks for visiting, Christauna, and for another fabulous book for my shelf. Folks, I've seen the swag planned for giveaways and it is even cooler once you've read the book. So what are you waiting for?

You can buy Heart of Annihilation at the following retailers:

AMAZON
BARNES & NOBLE

If you'd like a chance to win your own free copy, you can enter by commenting on this blog post! Rafflecopter will then pick a random winner next week. Good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

C. R. Asay joined the Utah National Guard at the age of seventeen. After spending time in the 625th Military Police Corp she transferred to the 19th Special Forces group as a counterintelligence agent. She retired from the military after marrying her best friend and graduating from college so that she could embark on the most exciting adventure of all; being a mom.

The short story version of her first novel, Heart of Annihilation, earned an honorable mention from the L. Ron Hubbard Writers of the Future contest. C. R. Asay currently resides in West Jordan, Utah, with her husband, four children, and a dog. There is always a dog.

Life without judgement

It has been almost two years since my brush with death changed everything about how I live my life. The difference in myself was very stark this past weekend at the annual family reunion with my mom's extended family. All the cousins who were my best friends growing up - and still are - plus their spouses and kids all gather at a resort with a water park and spend the weekend playing in the sun together. It is always a blast and I always have a fabulous time but usually it is accompanied with lots of internal stress and dialogue about having to be in a bathing suit around others who are more "-er" than me... younger, thinner, prettier. You get the picture.

This year was different. This year I never once looked in the mirror with a critical eye - or at all come to think about it. Nor did I constantly look for strategic ways of sitting so I looked better (as if that way even exists since your body is your body regardless of how you sit). I just had fun with my kids without a care in the world. No cover-up included!

We spent hours - literally - walking back up the hill and the stairs to the top of the water slides, all the adults taking turns sliding with all the different kids - my own, my nieces and nephews and my cousin's kids whatever they would be called in the genealogical sense. Several times I thought with gratitude about how far I'd come in a year - from being physically incapable of it to rocking all the cardio without losing my breath in the process.

It made me think about all the people I'd ever compared myself to in the past to make myself feel better and wonder what things they could say they had overcome to just be where they were. Kind of humbling when you think about it...

A month ago I had my yoga world rocked to the very foundation. Weeks later, I'm still discovering things in my practice that are transforming and growing from that one ah-ha moment when I realized that I don't use my entire foot for anything. It occurred to me this morning, while my 147 pound yoga instructor sat on my sacrum to illustrate how to stretch my straddle deeper, that if you'd told me three years ago that yoga could still be fresh and new every week that I wouldn't have believed a word. And that the old Terra might have given up after that ah-ha moment because the inner voice would have convinced me that I was no good at yoga. Instead I've left all expectations of everything at the door and find joy in the newness of re-learning every pose differently. As I always say, yoga is a journey not a destination. I'm consciously having to take my own advice not to judge myself against anything - including myself from four weeks ago when I never used my heels. Now I know how people can practice yoga for a lifetime and I love how every trip to the mat brings new insights about myself - all because I leave the judgement out of it.

The biggest hope I have is that my girls will see me just as their mom and remember only how much fun they had doing things with me. I already know they don't see me as I see myself. Once I called myself fat and my oldest looked at me funny and said "you're not fat, Mom." Which stopped me in my tracks. If you haven't read this article about When Your Mother Says She's Fat , or watched this ad about doing things "like a girl", check them out. They both helped me see where I was my own worst enemy in putting myself down because I didn't measure up in the areas society focuses on.

In the grand scheme of things it is more important to live every moment regardless of how we feel about ourselves - especially when faced with the reality that every day might be your last. If you wait to enjoy life until you've lost that last 20 pounds (or fill in the blank with your own demons) it might be too late to make the memories you are putting off. Your kids could be too old, you could be too old, or the opportunities could have passed you by. Make every moment of every day count, no matter what. And leave the judgement out of it!

The power of a deadline

I work well under pressure, always have. But I still prefer to steadily work backward from a set deadline - no matter what I'm working on. Big projects at work, short stories, group endeavors, and of course my novels. It is why the slow and steady approach to NaNoWriMo works so well for me and so easily translated to an all-year writing habit. The reality of my life is I've usually got about ten different irons in the fire. As long as I juggle all of them effectively I am able to do everything. Hence the overachiever aspect of my life. Focus too much on one thing and others start slipping, so to speak.

I've recently put a new iron in the fire with my writing group that requires a lot of coordinated effort from each of us. Something we've been cooking up for several years and finally have the resources and know-how to do really well. (Sorry, I can't share details yet but when I can you know you'll be the first to know - and it is so exciting!) In working on this project I observed that my way of handling a deadline is not the only effective way. Which got me thinking.

One of my partners called the other side of this coin hyper-focus. Which can be described from my observations as abandoning every other aspect of life to zero in on only the one project with the most pressing or imminent deadline, working tirelessly through to completion. I've been chipping away at my to-do list for the overall project for several months while it seemed no one else was worried about theirs. At all. Yet we managed to pull it all together with a big push the past couple of weeks which resulted in meeting our deadline. I'm in awe of those who can do this. Because I cannot. Interestingly, the majority of our group can and do work this way. Minority or not, I much prefer my slow and steady approach. What's your preference?

Regardless of how you deal with a deadline, procrastination is never your friend. One sign for me that I might have too many irons I'm juggling is when things start slipping. I have a submission deadline next week - mid week. I realized on Monday our family reunion is this weekend, not next like I thought which still gave me plenty of time to prepare. So instead of hanging out at home for a marathon writing weekend to finish up my revisions, I'll need to be in crisis mode next week to make it happen in time. *sigh* Bring on the coffee and the sleep deprivation! And perhaps I'll pack that laptop for the weekend trip after all since a little multitasking never hurt anyone. No one will notice, right?

What have you done with your life?

Someone once asked me "what haven't you done?" It was right after I mentioned one of the things I used to do but don't anymore. It got me thinking about all the stuff I've done over the course of my life. Recently I read a very witty bio for a fellow author that listed a few very diverse things she's done in her life that showed an impressive and broad spectrum of achievements. Which of course prompted me to write my own list so I could feel good about myself instead of feeling dull by comparison. It was such an interesting exercise that I figured why not share it? So here's the list for your viewing pleasure. In chronological order of course, because my OCD demanded it. Those in italics indicate things I still do actively. Now you can really believe me when I say I'm an overachiever...

Daughter

Sister 

Friend

Student

Reader

Pianist

Dancer

Camper

Skier

Seamstress

Electronics geek (circuit boards and soldering)

VICA State Officer - High School

Writer

Debator / Orator
Fast food slave

VICA President - SLCC
Baker
Retail clerk

VICA State Officer - College

College student - Communications major

College student - Flight Technology major
Flight school coordinator

Pilot

Tennis player

Biker (of the motorcycle variety)

Guitarist - Dreem Raage (garage band)

Wife

Dirt biker 

Receptionist

Golfer

Accounts Receivable Clerk

Voice of an interactive phone system

Aloette Sales Rep

Janitor

Aunt

Customer Support Rep

Coffee drinker

Mainframe Operator

Smoker

System Administrator - Tandem/NonStop

Operations Manager

Trainer

Technical writer

General Ledger Accountant

Quilter

Mary Kay Independent Distributor

Photographer

Wedding planner / consultant

Reiki Practitioner Level 1

Mother

Home owner

Web developer

Office Manager 

Witch

Realtor

ATM Network System Manager

Non-Smoker

Dance Mom

Book club member

Blogger

Project Manager

Writing Group founder/member - Once Upon A Keyboard

Systems Analyst

Knitter

Runner

Novelist

Ragnarian

Yogini

doTerra Wellness Advocate

Survivor - Kidney disease and pulmonary embolism insanity

Website designer / collaborator

Yoga instructor

So, what have you done with your life? I hope your list is full of accomplishments and growth as you age like mine is. Lots of things I don't do anymore helped point me to the things I do now that I love. And I don't regret any of them - well, maybe I regret smoking a little bit since it was so hard to quit.

Bottom line, there's no excuse. Ever. Tomorrow isn't promised so don't wait for that elusive 'someday' before you do what you've always wanted to do. Nothing is guaranteed beyond today so whatever you do make it count.

Someone please invent a machine to give me more time?

Ramping up the overachiever work-load. That's how you could sum up my life last month. I tackled an extremely difficult certification class at work because why not, they would pay and it pads my resume quite nicely. As a result, many things didn't happen the last couple of months because there simply wasn't enough time. Unfortunately, one of those things was my writing because studying took up my writing time and there just isn't any way to squeeze more hours out of the day.

Then I started looking around and seeing other things that I have unconsciously trimmed out of my life. My garden tops the list. Sure I planted a couple of rows of peas but I don't even know if they produced anything. I had shallots and onions come back from last year but I never harvested any of them after the very first one I pulled out in early May. I bought seeds to grow corn and then never got around to planting them. I noticed this giant weed the other day and figured out it is the couple of carrots I failed to pull out last year because they were tiny and not worth the trouble. Now they've gone to seed and probably rotted under the dirt. Buying vegetables is much more effective for us since we don't have the space to grow a big variety and we all get really bored with the same two or three things after the first month anyway. Or that's what I'm telling myself so it's okay I have no time to garden.

I've also watched very few movies and very little television the last few months. Not a lot of TV isn't a new thing but Hubby and I watch tons of movies together - it's been our thing since our first date. So it really sucks that I haven't made time to watch many of them this summer. Then I realized that's also because we are out riding our motorcycle together during some of the time that we would have been watching movies before and it doesn't make me so sad. I'm still sharing an activity we both love with him so it's okay.

Let's not mention how sporadic my blogging has been lately... and how I thought I was still posting at least weekly. 

I'm morphing even more into a person I don't recognize with the introduction of tennis lessons for Baby Sister that happen every morning - before work. Remember when I was so in shock that I was capable of doing yoga in the morning once a week? I not only did an hour of yoga this morning, I also did an hour of tennis lessons and a dentist appointment for a cleaning - all before 9:30am. Inconceivable! But it still happened.

I've got two major writing deadlines looming in the next couple of weeks. Not including the new commitment I made to my writing group last week to get one of my manuscripts ready so I can get it out on submission for publication by next May. An important step so they can keep me on the hook to do what I say I'll do. Good thing I'm really fabulous at juggling life and have uber perfected the art of overachieving or I might be a little more stressed. Still, if someone could possibly come up with a way to squeeze more hours out of the days I would really appreciate it!