The evolution of November

December is here and with it came the end of this year's NaNoWriMo. So many things have changed for me this year. The drastic shift started back in February when I decided to start actively pursuing this insanity called publication. So I shouldn't be surprised that NaNoWriMo and the part it plays in my writing has also changed. This year I'm not working on a new story, I'm revising an old one so I can sell it soon. That's the plan anyway. Even knowing that's where I'm at, I still feel guilty that I didn't "win" this year. That's how much a part of me this silly thing I do every November has become.

What did I do in November INSTEAD of finishing NaNo? Lots of things...

I'm working with some amazing authors to create a non-profit organization for writers with a community and collaborative focus rather than book sales. A professional organization for writers like no one has ever created before that gives back to members at all levels as well as the public at large. It's super fun but part of me wonders why I gravitate to being in charge of things rather than just being a participant. Not in my nature apparently. It doesn't feel like work, but if you add up all the time I have put into it, I've done quite a lot the last month toward this collective vision that we hope will be amazing.

I submitted a short story to a very prestigious writing contest for as-yet unpublished authors. Wait, I know I've been hinting at publication news for a while now but I still don't have a signed contract to purchase my story. It is slotted for a short-story collection due out next year but until the deal is done and signed I'm not talking about it as a past-tense reality. Doesn't mean I'm not super excited about it, I just don't want to jinx it. Yes, deep down I'm a neurotic writer. See? This contest comes with cash prizes for the winners and some pretty impressive writing credentials if I'm a finalist - including publication. But I won't know until months from now. And we all know how impatient I am. Luckily I have things to take my mind off the waiting. This was one of my specific goals for this year so checking it off my list was a pretty significant milestone for me.

Because I do have a pending deal, I must have a "real" website with a URL that doesn't include "blogspot" or any of the other free sites. In other words, I have to get legit. So in all my free time (ha!) I'm building a website to migrate my blog to. Don't worry, you'll be able to follow me when I go and, if everything works out the way I hope, all my past content will come with me. We'll see when I get to that point. Building websites is not a job I want - full time or part time. It kind of sucks. I'm really good at what I know and having to start over with an associated learning curve is frustrating.

Because I have to get legit, I had to get professional head-shots taken so I can use them everywhere people expect. Prompted by a deadline for said pending publication deal, I had to get them done ASAP. Imagine my horror when I found out you can't use your smartphone to take a selfie and use that. I was a photographer in a past life before I started writing and I'm better behind the camera than in front of it. However, I'm pretty happy with how they turned out. It helps to have a long-standing relationship with a photographer you trust... Voila! Big hair to match my big personality.

Hubby said the other day, when I was apologizing for all the time I've spent away from normal family life lately, that it was to be expected since "writing isn't a hobby anymore". Imagine that. My hobby isn't a hobby anymore, it's a business that will someday pay off. I have no delusions of ever replacing the lucrative income from my corporate job but you never know. Stranger things have happened.

I let a beta reader take a gander at my story that's getting ready for public appearance. She immediately started drilling me about the world I'd built and characters I'd created that had already become real to her. She needed answers and she needed them now. Guess I better get cracking on THAT novel soon, too.There are now more stories and novels in the pipeline than I ever thought possible.

When I look back at where NaNoWriMo has taken me, I'm okay with my Novembers evolving into something different. Maybe next year I'll be in the first draft arena of another story so I can participate. If not, at least I'll still be writing!

Life without judgement

It has been almost two years since my brush with death changed everything about how I live my life. The difference in myself was very stark this past weekend at the annual family reunion with my mom's extended family. All the cousins who were my best friends growing up - and still are - plus their spouses and kids all gather at a resort with a water park and spend the weekend playing in the sun together. It is always a blast and I always have a fabulous time but usually it is accompanied with lots of internal stress and dialogue about having to be in a bathing suit around others who are more "-er" than me... younger, thinner, prettier. You get the picture.

This year was different. This year I never once looked in the mirror with a critical eye - or at all come to think about it. Nor did I constantly look for strategic ways of sitting so I looked better (as if that way even exists since your body is your body regardless of how you sit). I just had fun with my kids without a care in the world. No cover-up included!

We spent hours - literally - walking back up the hill and the stairs to the top of the water slides, all the adults taking turns sliding with all the different kids - my own, my nieces and nephews and my cousin's kids whatever they would be called in the genealogical sense. Several times I thought with gratitude about how far I'd come in a year - from being physically incapable of it to rocking all the cardio without losing my breath in the process.

It made me think about all the people I'd ever compared myself to in the past to make myself feel better and wonder what things they could say they had overcome to just be where they were. Kind of humbling when you think about it...

A month ago I had my yoga world rocked to the very foundation. Weeks later, I'm still discovering things in my practice that are transforming and growing from that one ah-ha moment when I realized that I don't use my entire foot for anything. It occurred to me this morning, while my 147 pound yoga instructor sat on my sacrum to illustrate how to stretch my straddle deeper, that if you'd told me three years ago that yoga could still be fresh and new every week that I wouldn't have believed a word. And that the old Terra might have given up after that ah-ha moment because the inner voice would have convinced me that I was no good at yoga. Instead I've left all expectations of everything at the door and find joy in the newness of re-learning every pose differently. As I always say, yoga is a journey not a destination. I'm consciously having to take my own advice not to judge myself against anything - including myself from four weeks ago when I never used my heels. Now I know how people can practice yoga for a lifetime and I love how every trip to the mat brings new insights about myself - all because I leave the judgement out of it.

The biggest hope I have is that my girls will see me just as their mom and remember only how much fun they had doing things with me. I already know they don't see me as I see myself. Once I called myself fat and my oldest looked at me funny and said "you're not fat, Mom." Which stopped me in my tracks. If you haven't read this article about When Your Mother Says She's Fat , or watched this ad about doing things "like a girl", check them out. They both helped me see where I was my own worst enemy in putting myself down because I didn't measure up in the areas society focuses on.

In the grand scheme of things it is more important to live every moment regardless of how we feel about ourselves - especially when faced with the reality that every day might be your last. If you wait to enjoy life until you've lost that last 20 pounds (or fill in the blank with your own demons) it might be too late to make the memories you are putting off. Your kids could be too old, you could be too old, or the opportunities could have passed you by. Make every moment of every day count, no matter what. And leave the judgement out of it!

The power of a deadline

I work well under pressure, always have. But I still prefer to steadily work backward from a set deadline - no matter what I'm working on. Big projects at work, short stories, group endeavors, and of course my novels. It is why the slow and steady approach to NaNoWriMo works so well for me and so easily translated to an all-year writing habit. The reality of my life is I've usually got about ten different irons in the fire. As long as I juggle all of them effectively I am able to do everything. Hence the overachiever aspect of my life. Focus too much on one thing and others start slipping, so to speak.

I've recently put a new iron in the fire with my writing group that requires a lot of coordinated effort from each of us. Something we've been cooking up for several years and finally have the resources and know-how to do really well. (Sorry, I can't share details yet but when I can you know you'll be the first to know - and it is so exciting!) In working on this project I observed that my way of handling a deadline is not the only effective way. Which got me thinking.

One of my partners called the other side of this coin hyper-focus. Which can be described from my observations as abandoning every other aspect of life to zero in on only the one project with the most pressing or imminent deadline, working tirelessly through to completion. I've been chipping away at my to-do list for the overall project for several months while it seemed no one else was worried about theirs. At all. Yet we managed to pull it all together with a big push the past couple of weeks which resulted in meeting our deadline. I'm in awe of those who can do this. Because I cannot. Interestingly, the majority of our group can and do work this way. Minority or not, I much prefer my slow and steady approach. What's your preference?

Regardless of how you deal with a deadline, procrastination is never your friend. One sign for me that I might have too many irons I'm juggling is when things start slipping. I have a submission deadline next week - mid week. I realized on Monday our family reunion is this weekend, not next like I thought which still gave me plenty of time to prepare. So instead of hanging out at home for a marathon writing weekend to finish up my revisions, I'll need to be in crisis mode next week to make it happen in time. *sigh* Bring on the coffee and the sleep deprivation! And perhaps I'll pack that laptop for the weekend trip after all since a little multitasking never hurt anyone. No one will notice, right?

What have you done with your life?

Someone once asked me "what haven't you done?" It was right after I mentioned one of the things I used to do but don't anymore. It got me thinking about all the stuff I've done over the course of my life. Recently I read a very witty bio for a fellow author that listed a few very diverse things she's done in her life that showed an impressive and broad spectrum of achievements. Which of course prompted me to write my own list so I could feel good about myself instead of feeling dull by comparison. It was such an interesting exercise that I figured why not share it? So here's the list for your viewing pleasure. In chronological order of course, because my OCD demanded it. Those in italics indicate things I still do actively. Now you can really believe me when I say I'm an overachiever...

Daughter

Sister 

Friend

Student

Reader

Pianist

Dancer

Camper

Skier

Seamstress

Electronics geek (circuit boards and soldering)

VICA State Officer - High School

Writer

Debator / Orator
Fast food slave

VICA President - SLCC
Baker
Retail clerk

VICA State Officer - College

College student - Communications major

College student - Flight Technology major
Flight school coordinator

Pilot

Tennis player

Biker (of the motorcycle variety)

Guitarist - Dreem Raage (garage band)

Wife

Dirt biker 

Receptionist

Golfer

Accounts Receivable Clerk

Voice of an interactive phone system

Aloette Sales Rep

Janitor

Aunt

Customer Support Rep

Coffee drinker

Mainframe Operator

Smoker

System Administrator - Tandem/NonStop

Operations Manager

Trainer

Technical writer

General Ledger Accountant

Quilter

Mary Kay Independent Distributor

Photographer

Wedding planner / consultant

Reiki Practitioner Level 1

Mother

Home owner

Web developer

Office Manager 

Witch

Realtor

ATM Network System Manager

Non-Smoker

Dance Mom

Book club member

Blogger

Project Manager

Writing Group founder/member - Once Upon A Keyboard

Systems Analyst

Knitter

Runner

Novelist

Ragnarian

Yogini

doTerra Wellness Advocate

Survivor - Kidney disease and pulmonary embolism insanity

Website designer / collaborator

Yoga instructor

So, what have you done with your life? I hope your list is full of accomplishments and growth as you age like mine is. Lots of things I don't do anymore helped point me to the things I do now that I love. And I don't regret any of them - well, maybe I regret smoking a little bit since it was so hard to quit.

Bottom line, there's no excuse. Ever. Tomorrow isn't promised so don't wait for that elusive 'someday' before you do what you've always wanted to do. Nothing is guaranteed beyond today so whatever you do make it count.

Someone please invent a machine to give me more time?

Ramping up the overachiever work-load. That's how you could sum up my life last month. I tackled an extremely difficult certification class at work because why not, they would pay and it pads my resume quite nicely. As a result, many things didn't happen the last couple of months because there simply wasn't enough time. Unfortunately, one of those things was my writing because studying took up my writing time and there just isn't any way to squeeze more hours out of the day.

Then I started looking around and seeing other things that I have unconsciously trimmed out of my life. My garden tops the list. Sure I planted a couple of rows of peas but I don't even know if they produced anything. I had shallots and onions come back from last year but I never harvested any of them after the very first one I pulled out in early May. I bought seeds to grow corn and then never got around to planting them. I noticed this giant weed the other day and figured out it is the couple of carrots I failed to pull out last year because they were tiny and not worth the trouble. Now they've gone to seed and probably rotted under the dirt. Buying vegetables is much more effective for us since we don't have the space to grow a big variety and we all get really bored with the same two or three things after the first month anyway. Or that's what I'm telling myself so it's okay I have no time to garden.

I've also watched very few movies and very little television the last few months. Not a lot of TV isn't a new thing but Hubby and I watch tons of movies together - it's been our thing since our first date. So it really sucks that I haven't made time to watch many of them this summer. Then I realized that's also because we are out riding our motorcycle together during some of the time that we would have been watching movies before and it doesn't make me so sad. I'm still sharing an activity we both love with him so it's okay.

Let's not mention how sporadic my blogging has been lately... and how I thought I was still posting at least weekly. 

I'm morphing even more into a person I don't recognize with the introduction of tennis lessons for Baby Sister that happen every morning - before work. Remember when I was so in shock that I was capable of doing yoga in the morning once a week? I not only did an hour of yoga this morning, I also did an hour of tennis lessons and a dentist appointment for a cleaning - all before 9:30am. Inconceivable! But it still happened.

I've got two major writing deadlines looming in the next couple of weeks. Not including the new commitment I made to my writing group last week to get one of my manuscripts ready so I can get it out on submission for publication by next May. An important step so they can keep me on the hook to do what I say I'll do. Good thing I'm really fabulous at juggling life and have uber perfected the art of overachieving or I might be a little more stressed. Still, if someone could possibly come up with a way to squeeze more hours out of the days I would really appreciate it!

The Art of Reading Multiple Books

It's no secret I love data. And I'm OCD. So I especially love data that I can track for historical trends. Which are just a couple of the reasons I love the site GoodReads. It lets me track what books I've read, what I thought about them, which ones I want to read, plus all that info about what my friends are reading, too. (If you are a reader and you aren't a member, you should be...) This week I noticed something that seems insane even for me: my "currently reading" list contains FIVE - yes, five - books. And yes, I'm actively reading all of them. Which certainly begs the question: How do you read five books at the same time?

I'm a gadget geek so I have an iPad, an iPad mini (that I grudgingly share with the family), and an iPhone. Well, two of them actually since I also have one for work... but I digress. And I've got books on all of them. (Don't judge, I know I'm addicted and that's the first step. Or so I hear!) Here's my secrets to reading multiple books at a time:

First, I'm always reading a book on my iPad via my Kindle app. I've got at least one of my iPads with me at all times and, if I've got a minute of downtime, I'm reading. Sitting in waiting rooms at doctors offices or my monthly lab visit, eating lunch at my desk, wherever I find myself sitting still for more than a minute, I'm reading. I also end my weeknights with a chapter (sometimes more) in bed right before I turn off the light to go to sleep. Plus my favorite; over morning coffee on the weekends.

Next, I've always got a book I'm listening to on the Audible app on my iPhone. At minimum I listen when I'm commuting to and from work or any time I'm alone in the car. If it is one I am super involved in, I've got my headphones on listening while I'm doing mindless things like vacuuming, dishes or laundry. Sometimes I love the current Audible book so much that I get caught up on all my laundry and find myself wishing I bought clothes that required ironing so I'd have something else mindless I could be doing. I also listen to my audio book whenever I'm walking/running unless I'm with a friend.

I'm usually working on the monthly book club selection in conjunction with my own leisure reading. Which means that the week or two before book club I've either got two audibles or two ebooks I'm splitting my time between. 

Lastly, I've usually got at least one book I'm reading in print, lying somewhere in the vicinity of my desk at home, that I'm not reading as quickly. Currently, that book is a grammar book. Yes, I'm a geek who reads books on grammar. But, I'm a writer so it's okay. Don't judge. This is usually a book that I've either picked up in print because that's the most affordable way to acquire it or someone has lent it to me. Or, it's the book we are reading in my book club at work. We read a chapter or two at a time and discuss weekly. Because of this slower pace of discussion, it can also be a slower-paced read which works out well.

Typically, these four situations are the norm. My 'currently reading' list always fluctuates between three and four books. Guaranteed. Right now, my life is beyond the normal level of hectic since I'm working on a new certification at work. This means I'm also trying to read a textbook cover to cover in a matter of weeks in preparation for testing. Five is not a normal load of reading but that's how it is right now.

I look back a few years, when I was lamenting about how I could barely manage to read a book a month to keep up with my book club, and chuckle. In true overachiever fashion I figured out what ways I could multitask those things I have to do in life with the things that I want to do. Reading is essential to my happiness so I found the means. What things do you make time for regardless of how crazy your life gets?

Being The Mean Mom

I've always been a mean mom. I believe that my kids need to know that there are consequences to their actions and that life isn't fair. Otherwise, how will they grow to be well-adjusted adults? As a result, I have very well-behaved kids. I'm not always mean, but when the situation calls for it, I have no trouble rising to the occasion. I yell, I spank, I ground, I punish whenever necessary. But this week I'm having to do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do under the 'mean mom' banner.

Big Sister has been dancing since she was three, competitively since she was five. She's really good and she really, really loves it. Which is why when she failed her first class, I threatened that if she didn't get her grades under control she wouldn't be able to dance anymore. Certainly it would hit home at her core and instill just how important her school work was. Right? That was about this time last year at the end of fifth grade when she got her last report card and her first 'NI' grade. Because dance team try-outs happen at the end of the school year, it came with a "last-chance" since we were already contractually obligated for this year's dance team by then. Unfortunately, she must not have thought I was serious... because she has consistently failed to turn in her homework all year and has failed, literally, at least one class each semester - sometimes more than one. Now I'm faced with the hardest thing I've ever had to do: not let her try out for a team next year.

I found out yesterday that even though she's known for months, she hasn't told any of her friends on the team because she is so sad. And every time I think about not getting to see her do something she has such passion for and is so good at, I want to cry. But I refuse to give in. (Plus Hubby adamantly won't let me even if I had a moment of weakness. Not that I've had that many of them...) She's heading into Junior High and, if she couldn't find the balance between school and extra-curricular activities this year while still in elementary school, she has little chance of doing so when she's thrust into the insanity of seven different classes and seven different teachers with homework every night. Instead of enrolling her in summer dance classes, I'm enrolling her in a summer reading program to teach her study skills - because god knows she hasn't listened to anything I've tried to teach or instill in her the past couple of years.

Being a parent sure sucks sometimes. I watch my friends struggle with kids who don't know what they love yet or have decided that video games are all they want to do and I know I'm not alone in these kinds of struggles. But it doesn't make it any easier. Clearly Big Sister would rather dance than do homework but if she can't graduate high school or college, I've failed in my duties as a parent. It frightens me to think I only have six more short years in which to influence her actions and help her figure out how to be an adult and then, whether either of us are ready or not, she will be an adult.

Here's hoping this is only a year break that proves to her how important it is to keep up on her homework so she can return to the thing that I always knew would keep her out of trouble when she gets to high school. I can't fathom if that plan backfires on me. I wish this kid had come with an owner's manual because I could sure use one!

The Perspective and Importance of A Moment

Today I gained the perspective of a forty-two year old. Because I now AM a forty-two year old. It is funny to look back on my late thirties when I started to refuse to acknowledge birthdays and dread that the age number kept getting bigger and what it all meant that I was 'getting old'. Everything shifted when faced with my own mortality but nothing quite so much as this little thing. When the alternative to getting older is being dead, you start to wonder which is really the worst thing that could happen.

An old friend I haven't seen in years - but thanks to the wonders of Facebook get to talk to and interact with - said today that my face hadn't changed since we worked together twenty years ago. It was the nicest thing and proves that aging doesn't have to be a horrible process. Could it be that happiness and joy are the magical facial cream everyone has been looking for to achieve younger looking skin? Could embracing your life and appreciating everything and everyone in it with open arms and without judgement lead to a younger and glowing countenance? Or was he just flattering me?

I've been internalizing a lot these last couple of weeks of yoga training, thinking a lot about being present in every moment and every situation. Things like noticing when Baby Sister gets whiny and I get frustrated and realize I have my focus so fractured between multiple things that I 'think' need my attention. The reality is that she is the one thing that needs my attention (usually) the very most in that moment. Thirty seconds of eye contact and direct engaged conversation are usually enough for her to restore harmony in herself and run off to sing and play with her babies leaving me to finish all the other unimportant but pressing things I've got going on. What if that's what everyone needs once in a while? What if life were really that easy? What if it is more about being fully present with someone rather than posing for a selfie over and over until you get it just right?

Have you noticed that there are no longer any bad candid pictures out there? Thanks to the wonders of technology you can immediately see what that "snapshot" is going to look like and decide to accept or re-do until you get it just right. And once you capture it just right, there's always editing software to remove blemishes and brighten the colors and whatever else you think wasn't perfect about the authentic moment the lens captured. What kind of a legacy are we leaving for our children when they look back and only get to see what we deemed were the 'best' photos of us instead of the 'real' photos of us? Are we all taking life way too seriously or taking ourselves out of the real moments to capture the perfect portrayal of the same moment for the benefit of everyone else? What if all that matters is being happy and not all the stuff we surround ourselves with?

These are the things I'm thinking about on the second birthday that I might not have ever had. Ultimately I hope I can be the kind of person that ages gracefully and who people look at and wonder "why is she so happy?" regardless of how many wrinkles are on my face or how high the number next to my age gets. I'll tell you, forty two never felt so wonderful!

2013 In a Nutshell

I'm reading a book called "The Happiness Advantage" with my work book club. I'm not a huge fan of the self-help genre (and for some reason these are the kinds of books that always get picked by the group) so it is taking me months (and hopefully not countless library fines) to finish this one even though it is a fabulous book. What I'm learning is that success, performance at work, and general happiness are all a product of your positive outlook on life and not the other way around. As I am wont to do with every book I read, I've been internalizing all the different points the author makes and realize that somehow intuitively I've been applying some of these principles in my life already. Mostly because 2013 was by far the most roller-coaster of a year to date in my life.

Here's a recap of the year:

• I'm so glad to be alive since I didn't die from the pulmonary embolism
• Happy birthday, I'm done taking Coumadin! Let's celebrate with leafy green vegetables!
• I finished my first novel - finally!
• Just kidding, back on Coumadin
• Wait, why did I just gain thirty pounds in a couple of weeks? 
• Good news, mammograms don't hurt and I have medical proof I have a great rack
• Wow, biopsy of the kidney really hurts but not as much as finding out I have a chronic kidney disease that I will never get rid of.
• I'm officially more of a yogi than a runner but that's okay
• Treatment of kidney disease commences and I am feeling better
• Started teaching yoga at work since no one else would get the ball rolling
• Treatment isn't working, how 'bout chemotherapy? We settled for vegetarianism and immunosuppression after I argued with my doctor for a plan that didn't come with cancer side effects later.
• Immunosuppression sucks ass! Time for a pity party from hell
• Just kidding, I'm over the pity party and ready to BE healthy instead of wallow
• When the dose is finally right, immunosuppression is actually great since I feel fabulous now!
• Focus turns back to fitness and surprise - yoga is keeping me from being any worse off than I was before this whole mess.
• Everyday yoga practice commences - I'm addicted
• I finished my second novel - in a month!
• Christmas in California's warm weather - although the Californians think it is winter we know they are crazy.

The book is full of examples of positive psychology and proof that you are more productive and successful if you first start with a positive outlook rather than saying that once you get {fill in the blank} I'll be happy. The one that struck me the hardest was talking about how there is a small subset of people who are more successful and happier because they can more successfully pick themselves up off the mat after failures or setbacks. They are the people who define themselves not by what has happened to them but instead by what they can make out of what has happened.

There is no doubt about it that I am a changed person because of the last year. I have always lived life with a touch of spontaneity but now I'm even more apt to jump first and ask questions later. I also cherish my relationships with people - not just those closest to me but everyone I know - differently and more deeply. I know more than most how tenuous life is and how today just might be your last. If you know me in real life and I tell you that I love you, rest assured that I mean it. But that isn't where I stopped. Back in October when I was deep in my pity party, I could easily have stayed there dwelling on how bad my life was and how I had been forced to turn vegetarian and how I will never be cured and blah blah blah. But instead, I switched my focus to all the things that could have been worse. I've never been hospitalized with all this insanity of health issues, I only had a couple of weeks that I couldn't do yoga to the fullest, and I am able to do whatever I want now in terms of fitness - although running is again something I have to build up to since it has been so long since I did it. I learned last month that the six months I thought I had of immunosuppression treatment is actually a two year gig but I'm rolling with it. It isn't chemo after all. Sure, I'll have to be far more diligent with my facial waxing since one of the side effects apparently is increased hair growth but there are worse things, right?

If I'm recapping 2013 in a nutshell, I'd say it gave me a far greater perspective on how I want to live my life. I am still grieving in many ways about the loss of my perfect vitality but I'm also taking steps to get past that loss. I didn't lose a husband, and I didn't get a terminal illness (chronic doesn't directly translate to terminal after all) but I did suffer a loss in the form of seeing the end of my life as I had previously defined it. Instead of wallowing in the grief, I'm redefining my life and living that new life fully. I'm not one to make resolutions with the New Year but I'm far more prone to reflecting this year. As I look ahead to 2014 and all the craziness I'm certain is in store for me and my little family, above all I am happy and hopeful. May your 2014 be the same whoever you are and wherever your circumstances find you. Thanks for reading!

Celebrating non scale victories

I've talked before about how the number on the scale is just that - a number. And my favorite proof of how my fitness level and body are improving is in how my pants fit. I follow a fitness blogger on Facebook who calls these things 'non scale victories' and talks about how important they are to celebrate.

I feel like my head was removed from my ass a fog has lifted now that my attitude about my health is back to a normal and healthy one. I've returned from the brink where I wallowed in crap I can't change and am focused again on being fit and healthy; measuring my successes rather than just surviving every day. My routine for years has been to track scale weight as well as measurements so I can go back and compare progress and where I was at each different point in my weight loss and fitness journey. Probably no surprise that I haven't done measurements in well over a year. I struggled with massive water retention and swelling in the beginning of all my kidney issues and didn't really want to see the stark numbers of how all my efforts had been negated. I could feel it in the pants and knew how bad it was.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to suck it up and do measurements. If nothing else they could serve as a brand new starting point where I couldn't go anywhere except up from. Interestingly enough, I'm actually the same size I was right before I ran my last Ragnar over a year and a half ago. Really?! Another reason I love yoga! Without even realizing it I've lost all that extra nasty swelling and water weight and kept it off even without running for a year.

Already feeling pretty good about myself, a few days ago I was enjoying the crispness of a fall afternoon and needed a hoodie. I hadn't done laundry and there weren't many options available in the closet. Then I noticed this adorable, maroon, lightweight hoodie hanging there, beckoning me. I'd forgotten all about this beauty. I bought it to commemorate my last Ragnar - me and the rest of the thousands since they were out of my size. At the time I was determined not to need the bigger size ever again so I bought the smaller size and told myself it would be great motivation. Because I had so recently been surprised, I pulled it out on a whim and put it on.

Holy shit, it fits!!!

I danced around in my closet jumping in joy and excitement for a good minute - then looked in the mirror to survey just how well it fit. That little bitchy voice in the back of my head was saying 'just because you can zip it up doesn't mean it is worthy of leaving this closet'. But it looked great and I wore that thing for two days loving every minute of knowing it was a victory just to feel confident enough to leave the closet.

I've decided these non scale victories are even sweeter than the number on the scale getting smaller. After all, no one but me gets to know or see that number but everyone can see how cute I look in my hoodie! Here's to more victories in the near future. And if you aren't looking for ways to celebrate progress, start noticing. It is far easier to stay motivated to do the hard work of being healthy when you are seeing positive results no matter how small.

Today in other news

I just had the best weekend! I'm not sure if it is a self-fulfilling prophecy I'm living through or just a random coincidence but I'm feeling so great. Like I-almost-forgot-how-normal-life-feels great. Being present in every moment is a big theme for me now both because my brush with death put a different value on each moment there is and because there is so much about being present in the moment when practicing yoga. When a pose gets hard, you focus on just your breathing and let everything go while your muscles scream and that little voice in your head tells you it is time to be done with this pose thank you very much. Because of my awareness I find it easy to see trends within my own experience especially when they start to shift.

My amazing weekend started Friday night. I'm not sure if it was partly due to the large quantities of coffee I consumed Friday or just how good I felt but we watched two movies late in the evening and I only fell asleep halfway through the last one because it sucked and it was after one in the morning. I had to get up early for a blood draw Saturday so why force it for a lame movie?

Saturday I had some alone time while Hubby took the girls on a little Daddy-Daughter adventure and I filled it with shopping for groceries which morphed into deep cleaning my refrigerator before I could put things away. This was one of those chores that easily has fallen for the last year under the category of 'beyond the daily necessity' and therefore largely and very effectively ignored. As a result, I had all these random things that had accumulated on the rear half of most of the shelves with no room for the basics that come and go on a weekly rotation. How many open and half-used taco sauce bottles or jars of jam does one person need? And why can't they sell plum sauce in single-use size jars since that's the only size I am ever going to need? It felt so good to do something I know I wouldn't have had the energy for just a week ago and still feel like I could keep going.

All of these little things were nice but still kind of UN-noteworthy until Sunday morning rolled around. Even though I'd worked hard all day and was up late Saturday night to pick Big Sister up from a late birthday party, I woke up early. The first thought in my head was about going for a run walk and wondering if it was raining or if I had time to squeeze it in with everything planned for the day. I haven't awoken with thoughts about running in any form since probably January! Unfortunately it was pouring rain so I decided coffee was a better choice. But the fact that the thought was there was noteworthy.

Sunday's to-do list included two things and two things only: 1) Clean the house; and 2) Big Sister's Birthday Party. What this translates to is do all the dishes not just the ones that fit into the dishwasher, clear off all the crap that accumulates on the kitchen table over the course of the days and weeks of comings and goings and vacuum the floors if I have the energy so that my family and friends don't know how truly slacker I am when it comes to housework lately. What actually transpired was iconic. I ended up deep cleaning the kitchen including the dreaded top of the refrigerator and moving, cleaning and de-cluttering half of the place. Things that hadn't been touched let alone cleaned in months were discarded and others found new homes since they are no longer used regularly. But I didn't stop there. I had so much energy and felt like I was still on such a roll that I not only vacuumed, I MOPPED the floors. And not just the high traffic areas! I moved all the furniture and rugs and everything out. Something I haven't done full on in more months than I care to admit in public. When the party started I looked back on the fact that I had gotten up early, hadn't sat down for more than twenty minutes for that one cup of coffee first thing and still felt like hanging out and chatting with all our family and friends well into the night.

It wasn't just a fluke either... Today, I got up for my six AM yoga class like normal and then decided to do some upper body work with dumb bells while I was multi-tasking on a conference call this afternoon. That's two work-outs today before working hours were done. I haven't felt ambitious or energetic enough for that since before the Las Vegas Ragnar  in 2011 when I was running and lifting weights six days a week!

One could argue that none of these things by themselves are earth-shattering or even truly significant. But for me they add up to proof I'm feeling better and headed back to the land of living, fit people. What kind of things do you do everyday that give you the same sense of being alive and well or do you even notice these kinds of things? If you don't find yourself present in every moment of your day, you really should try it. You'd be amazed at what you can see when you're looking...

Being Healthy

First, an update on my pity party pit stop. It is over... so don't worry that I'm spiraling slowly downward into the depths of despair which my melodramatic last post might have indicated. The lesson I'm choosing to take away from the past two weeks of roller coaster is that I should never never never blog when I start a new drug and am still trying to adjust and find the correct dose. I'm happy to report that this new medication is actually not that bad once my body got adjusted to it and it is already working since my protein loss is down again. We all know I'm not a patient woman - as if anyone needed more proof of it.

My joint pain is basically gone. Yippee! (I even found myself running up the stairs today!)
My headaches are a thing of the past. *knock on wood*
My stomach isn't upset anymore. Hurray!
And because of all of the above, I'm in super spirits. But that is not enough...

I had a very powerful conversation the other night that got me thinking - ironically the same night I posted about my pity party. For almost a year I've focused on entirely the wrong things. I say "at least I didn't die" as if my life is a bobbie prize to all of my experiences of late. I have been so hung up on all the things that have changed within my current reality instead of embracing all the amazing things I now have the opportunity to experience and accomplish. So I can't run anymore, who cares! Keep reading, you'll understand what I mean.

First reality check: I love yoga probably more than I ever loved running and if I were still running I wouldn't have the yoga practice (or the friends) that I have because I would still be trying to do both. Do I want to add some cardio back into my fitness routine? Sure. But will my life be incomplete if I'm not a full-blown runner anymore? No! Sure I have to start all over with walking before running but I already know exactly how to do that. Bonus!

Second reality check: It was pointed out to me by a niece who I rarely see but interact with on Facebook that all my photos of the last year show me far more glowing and happy than I was before all my current health experiences started. Despite how I feel day to day, my life IS better because I'm focusing on the people and things that matter the most to me rather than doing all the things that I "should" be doing instead. I gained a very healthy way of prioritizing things in my life and embracing spontaneity because I did almost die, I just haven't been thinking about things in the same way as I've been living. Instead I've been all up in my head dwelling on all the stuff I want to change which translates into exactly what I'm talking about here. Thoughts becoming actions and actions becoming habits as they say.

Nothing hit me in the face harder than when I ran into an old friend yesterday who I haven't seen or had contact with for over a year. We hugged and she asked me how I've been. The first words out of my mouth were: "I've been better. I've got kidney disease." Seriously, Terra? That's how you want to sum up your life and boil your existence down into one sentence? It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks when I walked away and thought about how saying that changed the entire exchange. You can't tell by looking at me that I have any issues going on. I have yet to miss work other than for doctor visits and the like. I've never been hospitalized except for one weekend afternoon I spent in the ER. And I could have said 'I'm great!' and still be telling the truth of my life right now. Why didn't I? Words are powerful as they say. Especially true when they are the words that little voice is constantly saying inside your own head undermining everything.

So, with my body healing and marching down the road toward remission in the next two months, I'm going to get back to BE-ing. Being present in every moment and every thought rather than dwelling on the past or how things could have been different for me. The only thing constant in the Universe is Change after all. I've always lived with no regrets so why start now regretting things way beyond my control? Being healthy by living everyday as a fit person who does yoga all the time and who feels amazing because there are no more excuses to be the vegetarian I always wanted to be yet never had the courage to commit to. Life is a journey full of lessons to learn and experiences to have. No one gets to pick all the things that come along on their path. It is what we make of those experiences and the meaning we attach to everything that defines how life goes for us.

Another friend shared a quote on Facebook this morning: "People wait all week for Friday; all year for summer; all life for happiness." I don't know who said it but I couldn't agree more. I've been waiting all year for health instead of celebrating how healthy I already am. I declare NO MORE and am living in the moment committed to loving my life to the fullest, being healthy and happy above all.

Vegetarianism and immunosuppression - oh my!

Lots has happened and I'm kind of torn about how to share it with everyone. Thus the sporadic nature of my blogging lately. If you're reading solely to follow my journey with kidney disease you might be disappointed. I had an epiphany last week. I've always been a believer in positive thinking and that whatever you focus on will happen. It occurred to me that in my focusing on having kidney disease that I was defining myself in the negative light of being sick. That is over. From now on I'll be focusing on things that I have to be grateful for and things that make me lucky.

With that being said, there are lots of changes lately in my health so here's a list of bullet point facts that are true:

1. My proteinuria got worse over the last three months.
2. I got a second opinion and I didn't like much about what the other doctor said.
3. I became a vegetarian a little over a month ago - doctor's orders.
4. I started immuno-suppresant drugs a couple of weeks ago.

Its definitely been a month of adjusting but I'm still positive and I still feel great on a day to day basis which makes me super fortunate. Plus, I didn't die which completely defines how I view my life these days. You only live once and when you almost die you start to live much more for the moment and appreciate what you have rather than what you don't or what you wish for.

Vegetarianism as been both harder and easier than I thought it would be. Easier because I don't miss meat at all. I miss fish a tiny bit but I haven't felt deprived or unhappy at all. Harder because it takes a whole lot more planning and strategy just to make regular meals happen. When you've always cooked, your habits of what you shop for and what you stock in the cupboard are pretty set and without much planning you know how to throw a meal together. When all your go-to habits include meat - and you have kids and a husband who don't want to be vegetarian - it isn't as easy. I found after the first week of cooking what I thought sounded good from recipes online and the kids wouldn't eat any of it that if I include at least Big Sister in the process of recipe searching that there is a higher probability that she will eat it. And if Big Sister will eat it, Little Sister will likely follow. Another thing that is harder than I thought it would be is that if you are both vegetarian AND have to watch your sodium there are lots of recipes you can't make. The best part of being vegetarian is how much better I feel. I'm still eating eggs and dairy and most of my protein has been from my favorite green veggies like broccoli and spinach, eggs, and my new favorite portabello mushrooms.

After six months of trying the least-invasive treatment options for my disease, it was clear it wasn't being effective. It worked for a bit but then it didn't. I'm super lucky in so many ways. First, that I am smart and live in the computer driven information super age. I Googled the SHIT out of treatment options knowing that a change was imminent after my second opinion. Second, that my doctor is willing to let me be a partner in my treatment decisions. The "recommended" treatment for what I have is a chemotherapy drug and a high dosage of steroids. I'm unsure why this is the recommended treatment when it comes with only a fifty percent success rate and gives you a fifty percent chance of getting bladder cancer or leukemia. Perhaps those odds are acceptable for "normal" kidney patients who are in their golden years but when I am only forty one, 'later' still has me in the prime of my life with my kids not even fully grown. No thanks. Together, we decided on a different plan that starts with an immunosuppressant drug with no cancer side-effects and no steroids. Plan B is in the wings as well and is a drug that works super well but is expensive so the insurance companies won't approve it until you've tried something else. I'm not even going to start down that road since it's an entirely different commentary on our healthcare system and will only piss me off if I get started.

So, there you have it. I'm also seeing positive changes in my body now that I'm doing yoga three to four times a week on a regular basis. The scale doesn't show much difference by I've said it before and I'll say it again: the proof is in the pants and mine are fitting better every week. I've got a very strong core - something I can honestly say I have NEVER had in my life before yoga. I'm loving the fall weather with cooler temperatures and am looking forward to starting my "Couch to 5K" training program so I can be a runner again. I miss feeling in cardiovascular shape and it is definitely time to get back to it. It's been a full year since I've done any running and I know it will be like starting over rather than being a runner who took a few weeks off. I've lowered my expectations on how easy it is going to be. The best part is that I already know I've started from an even worse place than here with my fitness before and did a half marathon within six months. I've totally got this!

I'm also busy plotting my next novel. November approaches at breakneck speed after all.

In short, I didn't die a year ago and now I'm busy living life to the fullest in the only way I know how - overachiever fashion where I do everything. Go big or go home, baby!

My own little challenge

I've been looking back on my blog entries and feeling like a broken record. Could I talk about anything besides my health the last few months? Unfortunately I haven't been writing, or running, or over achieving in any way besides staying on top of my laundry and dishes while dealing with my new crazy reality - even at work. So I decided to challenge myself to find things to blog about that had nothing to do with my health. Instead of coming up with lots of fun and entertaining things to talk about, I didn't blog for weeks. *Sigh*

So, here's some random thoughts and things I'm grappling with this week.

1. My lack of motivation to run again. I need a fairy godmother of running to appear and smack me upside the head with her magic wand so I can get my running mojo back. It is apparently really hard to get back into a daily workout regiment mindset after almost a year has gone by. I ran a couple of weeks ago and my calves were super crampy and my lungs have lost a few steps which had me kind of dejected. It's one thing to assume you are basically starting from ground zero and quite another to actually see proof that you've lost basically everything you once had and fought so hard to develop. I've committed to a relay race in late August, a 5K in September and a half marathon in October with my running buddy but have yet to start whole-heartedly training. What the hell is my problem? I think part of it is emotional since my bought and paid for half marathon that was supposed to be my triumphant return to running after my pulmonary embolism came and went without me there. I cried that morning which is kind of unlike me and maybe I haven't completely gotten over the loss. There's nothing I hate more than admitting I can't do something and it really got to me. Time to grab the boot straps and get my shit in gear before it's too late.

2. Yoga. On the flip side, my yoga practice has morphed into amazing levels and makes me so happy. I was on call last night, didn't get to bed until almost one in the morning and got paged at two, three and four (almost on the hour) but still got up in time to make my six AM class. It's been seven months of regular practice and I can feel measurable results both in how my body feels and the things I can do. I have a very solid core that I am aware of all day long for the first time in my life. And I can do a back bend, a hand stand (against the wall, but still) and all sorts of poses I never thought possible. The best part is that I now am confident enough to do my own practice instead of having to have someone lead and tell me what to do. It was amazing to wake up in the morning of our book club overnight retreat and bust out a half hour session of yoga by the pool with two of my fellow yogini.

3. Book club pressure. It's my turn to pick the book for my book club. The last six months flew past and where I usually voraciously read a grip of books in an attempt to find the perfect one, I find myself under the gun with not enough time to pick the way I want. I read forty five books last year and have already read almost half that many this year but when I put together my short list yesterday it was a struggle to find even nine that are remotely worthy of consideration. Of those nine, I've narrowed it down to only three that I feel would yield a great discussion. One I eliminated as too long to read in a month because even I balk at a mammoth of eight hundred pages when there's a deadline to finish. Two were angst ridden young adult novels with little to discuss when I tried to make a list of topics for the group. A couple were science fiction and had great premise but again, not a lot to discuss. One was beautifully written but ultimately just a short story about a very depressing subject with nothing much to discuss beyond the big reveal at the end. What I'm left with is a beach-read romance with a twist that I fear is ultimately filled with cliche that people won't find enjoyable enough to discuss, a post-apocalypse tale that overall is grim but gives a ton of discussion, and a Pulitzer prize winner that I fear is far too controversial for my group as a whole. This last one I have wanted to pick for several years and still finds its way onto my short list. Going into this year I just KNEW it was going to be the year. And then we've read several very controversial books that pushed the envelope of the group already and do I really want to pile on yet another book that people will either hate dragging themselves through or will simply choose not to read because they really want something light and happy? Oh the pressure of picking the book for discussion! No one is arguing that I might put a tad too much thought and analysis into picking but that is kind of the norm for my amazing book club.

Wow, it can be done! Here's to much more to talk about in the coming months other than my health.

Light at the end of the tunnel

It's been a month since I started treatment for my new reality. I've got a frequent flyer card at the hospital. Having standing orders for lab work every two weeks is all it took. I've figured out my daily medication dance - some I take in the morning, some I take on an empty stomach, some I have to take with food, some only at night. It's kind of crazy when I step back and look at it but I've gotten it down to almost second nature.

Last week I met with my kidney specialist to see how I'm responding to her treatment plan and figure out next steps. It was amazing to see what a difference my labs show after such a short amount of time. Kidneys still functioning perfectly, my proteinuria is down to 3 from 18 a month ago. My risk factor for long term decline is down to only a moderate chance. She also said that I'm no longer in danger of developing new blood clots and if I keep this up I should be all better in a few months and can taper off my meds. Best part: no more fluid restrictions and I can *try* running again and see how it goes. 

There was a little bump at the end of the week when I was so light headed and feeling sick at work that I went to the nurse and had my blood pressure checked. It was SUPER low so I went home and called the doctor. Apparently it was hot enough outside added to my higher dose of diuretic I've been taking that I was dehydrated. Drank some Gatorade and lowered my diuretic dose and I'm all better again.  

This week I met with my regular primary care doctor since it has been three months since we made our deal about going back on Coumadin - three months to the day as it turns out although I didn't do that on purpose. It just happened to be the day I ran out of my medication and I didn't want to refill that prescription again. He agrees that I've made enough progress that I can stop taking it. Hopefully forever this time! I've been celebrating with a huge salad every chance I've had because I can eat whatever greens I want to again. 

It's no secret I'm into natural and alternative medicine and I wonder how much the essential oils I've added to my daily regiment have aided in this quick turn around from diagnosis to now. I look at it that they are all natural and they can't hurt so why not add it to my mainstream medicine regiment. If it helps, I've gained speed toward good health; and if it doesn't it won't hurt anything by trying. After all the research and how much better I feel when I use them, I believe it is helping so I'm sticking with it.

Here's to summer and improved health. Although I could do without the heat outside, I'm certainly not complaining about anything in my life right now.

Did I say rock bottom? Just kidding!!

Remember when I said I'd hit rock bottom and then in jest said something about how I hoped it was the bottom because that would be a sick joke if it wasn't? Well, I've learned the truth of 'never say never' and to never assume you've seen the worst it could be... because man did it get worse last week. Here's what happened - in chronological order because I'm OCD like that of course.

First a confession... I already knew what I had on my last blog post - probably why I was already at the anger stage. My insurance company has an online medical record and if you are smart like me you know that those tests your doctor orders are usually online long before you meet with that doctor to see what they showed. So, Tuesday I saw the pathology report with my diagnosis: Membranous Nephropathy. And of course I googled the shit out of it.

Bottom line: there is no cure. The membranes in my kidneys are enlarged and therefor don't work as well so I lose all my protein in my urine. But two thirds of the people diagnosed end up in remission so my chances are good. I met with my specialist on Thursday still a little sore and weak from the biopsy but having spent the better part of the week on my couch helped. She started me on several new meds and ordered additional tests including standing orders for them to be repeated every two weeks to monitor how well the new meds are working. So much for seeing the doctor and the lab less often, eh? Both meds are designed to treat the symptom of losing protein so I don't also end up with my kidney function declining. I left the doctor with the knowledge that I really had the answers I've been searching for (ROOT CAUSE!) and a plan of attack. I felt hopeful and happy.

And then Friday afternoon I started feeling crappy. At first I chalked it up to having taken a higher dose of my diuretic which my doc said I could try to see if the water retention would go down faster (I'm not a patient woman, remember!). I also read on the information sheet of one of the new meds that I had started that it was common to feel run down and yucky when first taking the med. (Am I the only person who actually reads that whole paper they send you home with from the pharmacy?) I logged off work for a nap to try and feel better about two o'clock that afternoon. My kidneys ached and I couldn't get comfortable and generally felt awful. Got very little sleep on Friday night and woke up Saturday morning no better.

Saturday morning an hour before I was supposed to leave for Big Sister's dance competition where I was looking at nine hours on the high school bleachers, I couldn't take a breath without excruciating pain in the abdomen which radiated up my back, through my chest and out my shoulder. The deeper the breath the worse the pain. I was faced with the hardest thing ever as an overachiever - the knowledge that no matter how much I wanted to power through whatever I had in my way I wasn't going to be able to do it all. I still hate to think about it! Here's something else you might not know about me: I hate asking for help. Of course it goes along with my overachiever tendencies because if I have to ask for help then I've made an irrefutable statement that I cannot do everything. So not okay with me and after all of these years of doing it all I am very, very set in my ways.

Luckily I have amazing friends who are also close neighbors. I called Mommy of Big Sister's BFF who is also one of my BFF's and a fellow dance mom since her older daughter is also on our competition team. She is like a force to be reckoned with in a crisis. As in I think that FEMA would be a great place for her in the event of a major disaster. Within minutes she had called Mommy of Baby Sister's BFF next door who came and took her away - in her pajamas - to spend the day with them. And she rushed over to grab Big Sister and all her gear for the competition whisking her away to do hair and makeup and be her surrogate mamma for the entire 9 house so Hubby could take me to the Emergency Room at our nearest hospital.

Five hours I spent in the ER. Five. Hours.

Basically I was one of the few lucky people who's kidney bleeds after the biopsy. The blood pooled under my diaphragm and created irritation both on the kidney and the diaphragm so every breath resulted in intense pain. Of course they ran a total blood work up to make sure there wasn't anything else going on plus a urinalysis which confirmed there was blood in my urine and therefor my kidney. Then my blood pressure was super duper low and wouldn't stablize so I had to stay a while longer - turns out I was a bit dehydrated. Gee, isn't that what one would expect when I'm on a powerful diuretic and have liquid restrictions? Sheesh. I got some great narcotics to knock me out and curb the pain while my body reabsorbed the blood my kidney leaked out because there was nothing else they could do. Most of Mother's Day weekend was a narcotic blur full of pain and suffering. Plus the emotional pain of having missed watching my daughter dance for the first time ever. Having to let go and accept that it doesn't make me a bad parent was difficult but her surrogate mom for the day brought me video and score sheets so in the end I didn't have to feel like I missed a thing.

This week has been much better. *knock on wood* My pain was gone by Tuesday and the novelty of taking a deep breath has returned. Each day on my treatment has me feeling better. I'm also using essential oils to treat the nausea side-effect of whichever med it is that causes that and to generally improve my mood. Hubby calls them my magic oils which might be accurate since they make me happy. I say "what does it hurt", right? I even spent twelve hours at Big Sister's dance competition yesterday like I hadn't been in the hospital a week ago. Go me!

I guess the visit to the hospital showed that overall I've been super lucky in this whole journey. I've never been hospitalized even when both my lungs were half blocked with blood clots. I can still work and play and care for my children even if my house is less than pristine most days because I don't have the energy for housecleaning on top of it all. And if I had to chose my kidney disease, I got the one I would have picked. The treatment is relatively benign, it is a slowly progressing disease where it would be decades before I need dialysis/transplant and my chances are higher of going into remission than progressively getting worse.

So yeah, I have kidney disease. But I'll be fine because I can't change it and I'm not going to sit around and wallow about why it happened or play the victim about why it happened to me. In truth, this specific thing happens to two in every ten thousand people which makes me just one of thousands going through the same thing right now. And I'm a master overachiever so I've got this in the bag. Even if it means going to bed a little earlier so I have the energy to kick ass as needed the next day...

Biopsy week and a glance down memory lane

Two years ago I was preparing for my first ever Ragnar race that was a month away. I ran two of those bad boys that year and logged well over five hundred miles on my running shoes. I was the healthiest I've ever been in my entire life after deciding in 2008 that I was done being unhealthy and unhappy and transformed myself into a runner. I think that's why this whole ordeal has been so hard on me. I worked my ass off to be healthy and live a long life with my kids and my husband to end up two years later with kidney disease? That is bullshit. Fucking bullshit.

Monday I had my kidney biopsy. Afterwards, they handed me my instructions to go home with which I was awake enough to read through. To my surprise item number four read: "You may return to work in one week." What the hell? No one told me this shit was going to take me away from work for an entire week! Don't you think that is something you kind of need to tell people ahead of time so THEY CAN PREPARE? I was so pissed and I'm sure I scared the timid little nurse with my thunderous rage as she scurried out the door to get someone to talk to me. The compromise is working at home all week from my couch but only because I have one seriously amazing boss. Three days out from the procedure, I totally know why I needed this week off. I'm a slow-moving hot mess who is out of breath and has zero stamina. Is it time for my nap yet?

Today is what I have dubbed "Answer Day". I have an appointment with my specialist this afternoon to go over whatever it is that the biopsy showed and where we go from here. My one and only question for her will be: how do I get back to where I was two years ago where I can run every day and have energy to keep up with my kids? Because that's all I'm really interested in. This shit - whether it is curable or not - is not going to take the joy from my life. I may not get to choose whether I have kidney disease but I get to choose how I live with it! Wish me luck and workable news...

Clawing up from rock bottom

It can be said I've been through the wringer the last few months. No argument here. But nothing about the past five months had prepared me for what I faced the past few weeks. I am certain I hit rock bottom last week. Or at least I hope it was the very rock bottom. It's possible the Universe has yet another joke to pull, but I hope not!

I put on another ten pounds of water weight the week between my last visit with my doctor and meeting with my nephrologist (kidney specialist) last Monday. TEN pounds. In one week! Literally nothing but my yoga pants fit me and my face was so swollen it was impeding my vision. I was a water balloon stretched to the limits and could barely get through the minimal motions of yoga the morning of my appointment. My yoga instructor who is also a good friend must have been inspired because that morning she said "if you can sit and breath, you are doing yoga" which my poor psyche took great comfort in. I couldn't sleep because just having my legs touch each other was painful, all I wanted to do was sit on the couch - and eat of course since I'm an emotional eater - and I can say I now know what depression really feels like.

I walked into the nephrologists office hoping for a miracle and that somehow I would have relief that day. I went early to do paperwork, watched all the elderly patients walking in and out and wondered how I fit into this scene at all. When it was my turn I stepped on the scale, saw the HUGE new number, and then sat crying in the exam room waiting to meet my new doctor knowing it was probably not going to get fixed in a day with some magical new medication she could prescribe. The office was plastered with posters about advanced and chronic kidney diseases and all this treatment info. I'm certain it was meant to be helpful and informative but instead it was overwhelming.

When the doctor came in she asked a lot of questions and looked at all the labs and imaging I've had done but didn't know what was causing this thing with my kidneys. It was ironic how many of the questions about when symptoms had started could only be answered by framing them in terms of my fitness. For example, I only noticed the swelling in my legs when I could no longer sit in child's pose in yoga about a month ago. And my shortness of breath went away for a bit because I could run in January but soon came back and I haven't been able to run since February. At one point she looked at me and said "so, you are healthy". Um, yeah! Which is why this is so hard to deal with. She took a ton of blood for more testing and ordered a kidney biopsy so we will have some answers and know where to go for treatment. Best of all, she prescribed a new medication that I could start taking immediately to help with the water retention. And, she believes that whatever has caused my nephrotic syndrome is the cause of my blood clots in my lungs which means I've been dealing with this since sometime last fall and possibly even longer.

The relief of having at least one question answered was so great. Of course it doesn't address the question of what's going on with my kidneys but baby steps are okay for me here. The nephrotic syndrome, which causes the water retention, the blood clot and even the thyroid issues are all still symptoms of something else happening which is yet to be determined. Kind of like going deeper into the rabbit hole. The big bad things I used to fear - diabetes and heart disease - have been ruled out completely which makes me happy in some tiny way.

Speaking of relief... that new medication? It turns out she COULD give me a magical cure in the form of a pill that day! After one dose, I had dropped FIVE pounds the next morning. I have to monitor my blood pressure and my weight until I see her again because it might be too high or too low of a dose. So I know that I'm down almost twenty pounds of water weight just in the last week. I feel so much better it makes it seem like I've been cured. Of course there's still the kidney biopsy looming next week - a four hour procedure under general anesthesia - but that will give us definitive answers so I'm looking at it as a positive thing. And trying not to freak out about the procedure itself of course.

I have even more restrictions on what I can eat - and drink now, too! No salty foods, and no adding salt at the table to anything. And, I can only drink a total of two quarts of fluids each day. That includes all fluids. Coffee, breakfast shake, water, everything! Both of these have to do with the water retention so I'm more than happy to oblige although I am constantly thirsty now and would KILL to be able to hydrate normally. There's some more irony for me.... I'm a runner who can't run OR hydrate anymore. I'll be a hot mess and will probably have to start all over when I can run again. But, at least I didn't die, right?

At one point in the deepest darkest week of hell I got drunk on a Tuesday night at a neighbor's house. Not my finest hour but I was so beyond depressed that I didn't know how else to cope besides getting to where I didn't care for an hour or two. Of course I don't have that luxury anymore because I'd have to drink zero all day just to be able to drink enough to get a buzz but it was sure fun to escape while it lasted. At one point I woke up and had one of those moments that you read about - for a moment I was happy and everything was okay and then it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have kidney disease and my world shifted. I always thought it was a metaphor but that's exactly how it feels.

Luckily that deepest darkest week of hell is behind me and thanks to my better living through pharmaceuticals I feel like I'm slowly getting back to normal... again. Here's hoping that the biopsy next week does yield answers so a treatment plan can begin and get me really back to normal soon. I miss running so much that I dream about it occasionally. And I haven't given up hopes of being able to finish the half marathon I'm registered for in June, although I know it will be a lot of walking in between some running. Hubby and I looked across the kitchen at each other last night as we were both getting our maintenance medications out of our respective pill bottles and ruefully laughed. Both of us swore years ago that we were going to do everything possible to stay healthy so we didn't end up being one of "those people" with chronic conditions that required constant medication. Sometimes the Universe has a really sick sense of humor...

When 'Fine' no longer applies

I've reached a place psychologically where I can honestly say I have never been before. When people ask the question 'How are you?' I can no longer respond with 'Fine'. Because I am not fine. No sir, not even close to fine. I've gone so far away from fine that I don't even know how to get back there from here. I hope it is just over the horizon and somehow within my grasp again soon but I'm not sure of that.

Okay, enough of the melodramatics...

My health has taken yet another turn. I thought a pulmonary embolism was the worst thing that could happen - aside from coronary artery disease. But, I was wrong. There I was last week, happily and without complaint following my coumadin regiment and getting my blood tested weekly to monitor my clotting levels, not eating my greens (or at least not cheating too much), not feeling like running yet but expecting it any day now. And I noticed something new. Well, okay, what I mean is that I could no longer ignore something new as insignificant. My legs from the knee down are swollen. And by swollen, think pitting edema (Google it, I dare you). They've been swelling since before Easter now that I think back to the tantrum I had that morning when my cute strappy-sandals from last summer wouldn't go on my swollen feet and I was feeling completely fat and bloated - but I chose to ignore it hoping it would go away. Some things never change I guess.

I mentioned it to the nurse while I was in getting my weekly blood draw and next thing you know I'm having more blood work and urinalysis. Guess what - there IS something else wrong. This time with my kidneys and my thyroid. I feel like I hit the big four-oh and immediately started falling apart. The thyroid thing is apparently unrelated (and hereditary, thanks Mom) but could contribute to why I have had very little energy and don't feel like the coumadin has kicked in as quickly this time around to getting me back on the treadmill/road. The kidney thing definitely is the reason I'm swelling up and retaining so much water. Thank goodness the female part of my psyche that keeps yelling FAT GIRL every time my pants feel tight the last couple of weeks can shut the hell up now. The fifteen pounds of extra weight I've put on the last three weeks is NOT because I'm unable to eat salad and veggies and can't breathe well enough to run yet. So there! *sticks tongue out*

But now I'm back to having more questions than there are answers. Plus more poking and prodding and testing trying to figure out exactly what IS going on with me. Can you say "high deductible met by April"? Say it with me...

Needless to say, I cling desperately to my weekly yoga sessions to reset my psyche. That overworked psyche that is trying her hardest to keep her chin up. The alternative is wallowing in self pity and self-induced panic about what the future holds which I've caught myself doing - very unlike me. I don't feel like myself, I don't look like myself, and some days I have little desire to be myself in this current unhealthy stage of the game. I've grown weary of all this crap and would kill for feeling good with all my energy back. It is a daily struggle to lift myself up and keep myself going. And my family is imploding because the force at the center that keeps it all a smoothly oiled machine is falling apart. But, it is what it is and at least I didn't die. (That's my mantra lately.) While it sucks right now and I'm not fine, I have high hopes that I will be soon.

Camp NaNoWriMo has turned into more shenanigans than writing but I'm still brainstorming and plot outlining whenever the inspiration hits me. Its like going to summer camp and doing the fun stuff like swimming and hanging out by the fire but skipping the hard stuff like cooking and cleaning up. It's enjoyable but it doesn't get everyone fed regularly. My writing can wait while I focus on getting healthy again. And that half marathon I've already paid for? Yeah, who knows if I can even walk 13 miles by June let alone run but I'm still hoping I can participate. We shall see...

If I'm a bit more sporadic on the blog, now you know why. In many ways "I've been better" has become my default where everything used to be "fine". Here's to there being nothing significantly or long-term wrong with me and to a quick recovery back to the land of the healthy! *fingers crossed*

Pulmonary Embolism - 4 months later

Remember that pesky trait I have of being an impatient woman? Yeah, it occasionally bites me in the ass. Like now. I like to think that I've been a model patient through this whole pulmonary embolism ordeal by being very involved in my treatment and following all of my doctor's orders. When I got to stop taking Coumadin at the end of January (totally unprovoked with no whining or bitching on my part I might add), my doc told me to come back after a month for some follow-up blood work. I knew Hubby had to go in for his own blood work mid-March so I just planned to go when he went and calendared it without another thought.

I felt great in February, started training for my half marathon, kicked ass with my weekly yoga class and all around felt great. Then March hit and I started making excuses about mid-week runs, started putting off my long runs and just felt run down. I chalked it up to warming temps in Utah and the return of my seasonal allergies and didn't think much more about it. I was still active, just not doing all that I had intentions of doing. It happens to the best of us.

My calendar - the secret weapon of my overachiever behavior - reminded me it was time for my blood draw two weeks ago so I stopped in on my way to work to open a vein. My insurance company has this cool tool where you can access your own health records online as long as your doctor participates, which mine does. Lucky for me since Monday night I was impatient to know the results - weird, I know - and logged on to see if they were back already. They were but I was devastated. My levels were still elevated and my doctor had made a note that he wanted me back on Coumadin. I immediately began stressing about what all this could mean and Googled what else could cause an elevated result on this particular blood test. Bad idea to Google anything health related I think in hindsight but hey, I need data!

The next day, stressing about possible cancer and liver disease and heart disease thanks to my friend Google, I got a call from the doctor's office to schedule an appointment. I continued to stress about the possibility of being required to take Coumadin for the rest of my life on top of whatever else could be going on until my appointment on Thursday. When I finally got there I was reminded again about how amazing my doctor is and how lucky I am to have found him. I told him all the things I'd been stressing about which he was able to dismiss since I had started this whole ordeal with a full blood workup showing no heart disease or liver disease. We decided that we both wanted to know what exactly was going on in my lungs. I was willing to undergo and pay for another CT scan for real answers rather than assumptions that this elevated level was just because I *only* took Coumadin for three months initially. In true Terra fashion, I then negotiated with him on my treatment options. We agreed that if I still had the exact same clots, he'd be okay with only three months of Coumadin and if it turned out they were new clots then I'd give him six months without bitching about it. It was a fair deal that felt win-win for both of us.

Last Monday morning was very unsettling when I had to stop in the middle of yoga class because I was out of breath and wheezing. Considering I've been doing yoga since a month post-diagnosis I was super scared that my test later that day was going to yield far worse news than I hoped. Well, it turns out I've still got clotting in my lungs but thanks to being able to compare both of my CT scans we know for certain they are the same ones I originally had and that they are significantly smaller. YEAH for no new clots!

So, I've resigned myself to Coumadin for the next three months - without bitching about it - and all the crap that comes with it. Goodbye spinach and all my favorite green veggies.  Hello weekly blood testing and bleeding issues again. But truthfully if being on the stuff makes me feel well enough to run like it did in late January and February, it will be a welcome addition back into my life until these pesky clots are for sure gone. Especially since I've already registered and paid for my half marathon in June.

I have one last hurdle to complete from my follow up - my first mammogram this week. Apparently I'm of the age (yippee!) and since malignancy can cause blood clots my doctor says its a good idea to do it. I was hoping that all the recent controversy in the medical field about doing them in your forties was going to get me out of them for a few more years. But no, I'm not so lucky. Unless you count that I am still kicking and didn't die from this insanity that I still marvel about happening in the first place. Here's to the next three months passing quickly so I can finally put this all behind me for good!