Normally, I scoff at goal-setters. (Sorry if you are one of them, don't take it personally!) I'm a live-in-the-moment kind of a girl - always have been and always will be. It is way more fun that way and I tend to avoid all guilt by not thinking too hard about life and the choices I make day to day. I never look back or over-analyze what I've done for the same reasons. Except now I am conceding that sometimes goals and all that come with them might be necessary - at least in some aspects of life.
Why the change? I wrote again last night... only 30 new words but they are 30 more than if I hadn't told myself that - no matter what - I have to write something every day. A daily writing goal, if you will. I figured I would start out small - no word count I had to make, no looming milestone to intimidate. Just write every day. Every. Single. Day.
It felt so good writing again and, although I have come to terms that I must go back to the beginning of my manuscript and totally revise it before I can go on, at least I know what my plans are so I can get busy getting it done. I WILL have the first draft of my first novel complete before November 1st. (What's this? Another goal?) In hindsight I am such a better writer than when I started last year so I would have to revise anyway - I'm merely saving myself some of the work for draft two by doing it now. Kind of like ripping the bandaid off... The best part is that my characters are whispering to me again - or rather I'm listening for them again - which I worried wouldn't happen since I'd been ignoring them for so long.
In many ways, it is my running that taught me this lesson I can now apply to other areas of life... I am following a training program designed for people who have never run a half marathon. It tells me exactly what to do every day. And even though I look at it on paper and think "What the Fuck have I gotten myself into?", when the day comes and it says run 3.5 miles (like today) and I'm still sore from my 5-mile run on Sunday - like I can barely walk down the stairs to get to the gym at work - I still did it and felt great doing it.
If I didn't have a goal to run a specific distance by a specific date, I wouldn't push myself. Having the steps laid out for me on how to get there allows it to happen gradually one step at a time. Without it, I might still be struggling to run for more than 10 minutes at a time instead of being able to run for more than an hour. That last sentence was purely for me - since I have to focus on how far I've come rather than how far I have to go. Easier and more productive to think "wow, I ran 5 miles in an hour and 11 minutes which is an hour longer than I could run at all 3 months ago" than "OMG, it just took me over an hour to run 5 miles, how am I going to run 13.1 in 2 months?!?" which is how I really feel inside when I think about my half marathon.
What will get me to the finish is doing the small steps every day.
So, lesson learned is that sometimes goals are important - not in the Franklin-Covey-plan-every-single-minute-of-your-day-based-around-a-goal-in-every-aspect-of-your-life way but maybe just for the really important things. And that, when measuring progress, sometimes it is better to look back and acknowledge how far you've come rather than fixating on how far you have left to go.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Book Club Retreat with special guest appearance
A couple of weekends ago was book club. This was the killer month where we let loose and rent a condo for an overnight, old-fashioned slumber party where we allow ourselves to "semi-forget" (read escape from life where) we are moms, wives and girlfriends and shop and eat and stay up talking until all hours of the morning. Of course we carve out an hour to discuss the book we all read the month before, too! This was our second annual retreat and while we did not have a hot tub in our room this year we had something just as cool....
This year worked out that my month to host and pick the book to read fell the same month as the retreat. Because I couldn't find a better choice, I picked "I Am Not A Serial Killer" by Dan Wells which I have already reviewed here. One night at a social gathering a couple of days into the allotted reading time, one of my friends asked if I was going to ask Dan Wells, the author, to come to our book club. After all, he is a local writer so it could totally be possible. I hadn't thought about it although I did have the perfect 'in' having met him at the writers conference I attended in April. A couple of weeks went by and I thought about it again and told myself to suck it up and just ask him - since I really had nothing to lose after all. I mean, the worst he could do was say No, right? Only he didn't!
It was an amazing night on so many levels... we always have fantastic discussions where we dissect the characters, who we all inevitably love or hate with little in between, and theorize on why the author wrote what he/she did, etc. Imagine having the same discussion only the author is there in the room and can tell us definitively whether we are right or wrong and even tell us why he did the things he did and how he came up with all the elements of the story. But that wasn't all... after the discussion he stayed and signed every one's books and sold us t-shirts if we wanted them, passed out a few ARC (advanced reader copies) of the sequel not out in stores until next month (for a price!) and took pictures with everyone - including a photo where we all lined up on the staircase leading to the second floor of the condo with kitchen knives poised at each others throats. (Okay, it was after 10pm at this point so you can imagine how punchy we all were getting!) This alone would have put it on the all-time greatest list of book clubs.
But it got better! At this point in the night several people had to head for home because life only worked for them to be there for the evening instead of staying the entire night. And I thought Dan (yes, we're on first name basis at this point) would make his way out through the kitchen answering a couple of questions the writers in the group (my writing group is a subset of my book club) would bombard him with. And to be fair I warned him before he agreed to come that there were four aspiring writers among the attendees who would love to discuss writing after the book discussion was over if he was willing. What I didn't expect was him sitting down and getting comfortable and staying well past midnight until we had asked every single question we could think about writing and publishing and editing and being an author. What a generous and inspiring man Dan Wells is!
I gleaned two nuggets of noteworthy advice from the evening: 1) if you put as much hard work and effort into being a writer as a doctor does at training to be a doctor you'll have just as successful a career as the doctor and make just as much money. The only difference is that there are no college programs designed specifically to train you like the doctor has. 2) if you read 2-3 books per month on average and expect to live say 30 more years, that's 720 -1080 books you potentially have time to read in your lifetime. So why on earth would you waste one of those slots on something that isn't good? (I'll never finish another shitty book again - minus book club selections I'm committed to reading of course - and refuse to feel bad about it!)
The most inspiring statement for me was when we were talking about being an author and Dan made the point that there is not a lot of difference between being a published or unpublished author besides having convinced someone to buy your book and print and sell it to others. The same manuscript you sell today could be rejected by someone else tomorrow and just because you sell one does not mean you are overnight a better or even different writer. You are simply a writer because you write.
I think I'm still a little high from the evening... can you tell?
This year worked out that my month to host and pick the book to read fell the same month as the retreat. Because I couldn't find a better choice, I picked "I Am Not A Serial Killer" by Dan Wells which I have already reviewed here. One night at a social gathering a couple of days into the allotted reading time, one of my friends asked if I was going to ask Dan Wells, the author, to come to our book club. After all, he is a local writer so it could totally be possible. I hadn't thought about it although I did have the perfect 'in' having met him at the writers conference I attended in April. A couple of weeks went by and I thought about it again and told myself to suck it up and just ask him - since I really had nothing to lose after all. I mean, the worst he could do was say No, right? Only he didn't!
It was an amazing night on so many levels... we always have fantastic discussions where we dissect the characters, who we all inevitably love or hate with little in between, and theorize on why the author wrote what he/she did, etc. Imagine having the same discussion only the author is there in the room and can tell us definitively whether we are right or wrong and even tell us why he did the things he did and how he came up with all the elements of the story. But that wasn't all... after the discussion he stayed and signed every one's books and sold us t-shirts if we wanted them, passed out a few ARC (advanced reader copies) of the sequel not out in stores until next month (for a price!) and took pictures with everyone - including a photo where we all lined up on the staircase leading to the second floor of the condo with kitchen knives poised at each others throats. (Okay, it was after 10pm at this point so you can imagine how punchy we all were getting!) This alone would have put it on the all-time greatest list of book clubs.
But it got better! At this point in the night several people had to head for home because life only worked for them to be there for the evening instead of staying the entire night. And I thought Dan (yes, we're on first name basis at this point) would make his way out through the kitchen answering a couple of questions the writers in the group (my writing group is a subset of my book club) would bombard him with. And to be fair I warned him before he agreed to come that there were four aspiring writers among the attendees who would love to discuss writing after the book discussion was over if he was willing. What I didn't expect was him sitting down and getting comfortable and staying well past midnight until we had asked every single question we could think about writing and publishing and editing and being an author. What a generous and inspiring man Dan Wells is!
I gleaned two nuggets of noteworthy advice from the evening: 1) if you put as much hard work and effort into being a writer as a doctor does at training to be a doctor you'll have just as successful a career as the doctor and make just as much money. The only difference is that there are no college programs designed specifically to train you like the doctor has. 2) if you read 2-3 books per month on average and expect to live say 30 more years, that's 720 -1080 books you potentially have time to read in your lifetime. So why on earth would you waste one of those slots on something that isn't good? (I'll never finish another shitty book again - minus book club selections I'm committed to reading of course - and refuse to feel bad about it!)
The most inspiring statement for me was when we were talking about being an author and Dan made the point that there is not a lot of difference between being a published or unpublished author besides having convinced someone to buy your book and print and sell it to others. The same manuscript you sell today could be rejected by someone else tomorrow and just because you sell one does not mean you are overnight a better or even different writer. You are simply a writer because you write.
I think I'm still a little high from the evening... can you tell?
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Writers block and fundamental questions
How the hell did it get to be mid-August and almost 2 months since I wrote anything substantial? (Besides my blog of course!) It isn't like I don't know where the story goes - I know exactly how it ends already. It isn't like I haven't had time - I've sat down several times and re-read the amazing scene where I left off with almost all of my crucial characters finally all in the same room where they can now go on together to the climax. And then an hour has gone by - or once it was almost three - and not a single new word written. Not ONE! Very disheartening and after the third time I decided I should really figure out what is going on before I open that file on my computer again. And here we are... August and neck-deep in self-doubt and self-loathing because I'm STILL STUCK HERE!
So, I've been doing some major soul searching - 3 and 4 mile runs give you plenty of time for it when you're not wallowing in doubt and loathing! And in the course of my busy life the last couple of weeks, I've had the opportunity to talk with two of my writing buddies from my critique group who helped put my finger on the real heart of the issue.
It all started when I went to the writer's conference where I honed my skills by leaps and bounds and took my writing to the next level. What I couldn't see, but that has been lurking in my brain, is the fact that I must once again start over... or at the very least revise entirely what I have written. All 63,208 words of it. Because my protagonist has been acting all wrong. And I mean ALL wrong!
But, as devastating a realization as that is, it isn't even the true issue yet!
The core issue is: what kind of a writer am I? Am I one that writes with a plot or am I a discovery writer who lets her characters decide what happens and where things go? Am I a write-the-first-draft-before-I-read-a-single-word-for-revision writer or am I a revise-as-I-go-so-when-things-change-I-can-fix-them writer? Because I don't yet know the answers to these two fundamental questions, I cannot go on. Because do I write the next part as if I've already gone back and fixed my main character's flaws that I now know exist assuming I'll fix everything in the 2nd draft revisions? Or do I stop now and go back to the beginning and make things right before I go on?
If there is one thing I've learned in this almost two year journey of being a writer (albeit an unpublished one still) it is that, while every published author has an opinion of how writing should or does happen based on their own creative process, no one is exactly the same. What motivates us and keeps us writing is as unique as the authors themselves. And what works for my hero Stephen King (write to the end and don't read a word until months later when it's time to revise it and don't even think of plotting!) is not what works for everyone else - possibly myself included.
So, like an alcoholic at her first meeting, here I sit acknowledging I have a problem to solve. But, admitting the problem is the first step! Now I just have to figure out where to go from here. Stay tuned since even I don't yet know where that is except back to consistent writing in some form. After all, I've got to finish my first draft of the current project before October 31st since NaNoWriMo commences in November and I already have an idea for my next project...
So, I've been doing some major soul searching - 3 and 4 mile runs give you plenty of time for it when you're not wallowing in doubt and loathing! And in the course of my busy life the last couple of weeks, I've had the opportunity to talk with two of my writing buddies from my critique group who helped put my finger on the real heart of the issue.
It all started when I went to the writer's conference where I honed my skills by leaps and bounds and took my writing to the next level. What I couldn't see, but that has been lurking in my brain, is the fact that I must once again start over... or at the very least revise entirely what I have written. All 63,208 words of it. Because my protagonist has been acting all wrong. And I mean ALL wrong!
But, as devastating a realization as that is, it isn't even the true issue yet!
The core issue is: what kind of a writer am I? Am I one that writes with a plot or am I a discovery writer who lets her characters decide what happens and where things go? Am I a write-the-first-draft-before-I-read-a-single-word-for-revision writer or am I a revise-as-I-go-so-when-things-change-I-can-fix-them writer? Because I don't yet know the answers to these two fundamental questions, I cannot go on. Because do I write the next part as if I've already gone back and fixed my main character's flaws that I now know exist assuming I'll fix everything in the 2nd draft revisions? Or do I stop now and go back to the beginning and make things right before I go on?
If there is one thing I've learned in this almost two year journey of being a writer (albeit an unpublished one still) it is that, while every published author has an opinion of how writing should or does happen based on their own creative process, no one is exactly the same. What motivates us and keeps us writing is as unique as the authors themselves. And what works for my hero Stephen King (write to the end and don't read a word until months later when it's time to revise it and don't even think of plotting!) is not what works for everyone else - possibly myself included.
So, like an alcoholic at her first meeting, here I sit acknowledging I have a problem to solve. But, admitting the problem is the first step! Now I just have to figure out where to go from here. Stay tuned since even I don't yet know where that is except back to consistent writing in some form. After all, I've got to finish my first draft of the current project before October 31st since NaNoWriMo commences in November and I already have an idea for my next project...
Saturday, August 7, 2010
The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
This was a book club pick - one which I toyed with choosing a year ago myself and put down after about 200 pages and the first graphic rape scene assuming the rest of the ladies in the group would find it too disturbing. I'm so glad someone else had the courage to pick it and make everyone read to the end. With its mammoth size at 973 pages it is very intimidating but, as our group proved, it can be done in a month and is so worth the read!
The story and characters are so well developed and fascinating that even when I was under pressure to finish in time for the discussion (which I didn't!) I couldn't force myself to skip ahead or even skim quickly. The story tells the struggle over the decades to design and build a cathedral in a small town in England. It is told from the point of view of the builders as well as the monks who are financing and encompasses bishops, earls, lords, entrepreneurs and the struggles of a civil war to determine the new king. The information on architecture and medieval society were enthralling and the author weaved the fictional story beautifully into the history of the times so it was marginally educational as well as entertaining giving the reader a glimpse into what it might have been like living in the time period. The overall story arch is a mystery that spans almost two generations before finally being solved and keeps you guessing until the very end. The story was never predictable and is raw and authentic and emotional.
I went back and forth on what to rate this book but in the end I chose 4 stars instead of 5 simply because it is not an easy read. With so many characters and story lines it requires dedication to stick with it. Unlike many, it is not a book you can easily carry around reading only here and there and thus not one I would read again - which is my own personal criteria of a 5-star tome. Pick it up when you have time to dedicate because you won't want to put it down once you start.
The story and characters are so well developed and fascinating that even when I was under pressure to finish in time for the discussion (which I didn't!) I couldn't force myself to skip ahead or even skim quickly. The story tells the struggle over the decades to design and build a cathedral in a small town in England. It is told from the point of view of the builders as well as the monks who are financing and encompasses bishops, earls, lords, entrepreneurs and the struggles of a civil war to determine the new king. The information on architecture and medieval society were enthralling and the author weaved the fictional story beautifully into the history of the times so it was marginally educational as well as entertaining giving the reader a glimpse into what it might have been like living in the time period. The overall story arch is a mystery that spans almost two generations before finally being solved and keeps you guessing until the very end. The story was never predictable and is raw and authentic and emotional.
I went back and forth on what to rate this book but in the end I chose 4 stars instead of 5 simply because it is not an easy read. With so many characters and story lines it requires dedication to stick with it. Unlike many, it is not a book you can easily carry around reading only here and there and thus not one I would read again - which is my own personal criteria of a 5-star tome. Pick it up when you have time to dedicate because you won't want to put it down once you start.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Putting on the big girl panties
It is official... I AM a Runner! No more do I talk about going running and mean "running" as in I walk most of the way with a few short bursts of jogging. No, now I can run for 20+ minutes straight with no walking in the middle. AND I'm not winded doing it! If you've spent much time with me on my blog you'll know that when I started down the running road I could barely run for 30 seconds at a time before I thought I'd die - literally. If you would have told me then that I could or would be running for 20 minutes in a row and feel like I could go more I would have thought you were crazy, secretly hope it would happen and doubt it ever would. Today, it is a reality and I love it!
So, how did I do it? What made the difference? I found a buddy who was exactly where I was - starting at the bottom and had never run a day in her life but wanted to. We both got a Nike+ SportBand that comes with a coach feature. We started a "Walk to Run" coaching program that walked us through every single day exactly what to do and followed it like our lives depended on it. I'm only 8 weeks into that 12 week program and I'm running 2+ miles a day 6 days a week. Yes, ME!
At the end of the 12 week program, we'll be running a 5K race. This will not be my first 5K but it will be the first one I actually run the entire way and run to compete rather than just complete.
And in October, I'm running my first half marathon! Yes, as in 13.1 miles of running. How fitting - my first half marathon is called the Halloween Half and I get to run it in my Halloween costume on my favorite day of the year. What could be better? Um... having the first draft of my novel complete before then, too?
So, how did I do it? What made the difference? I found a buddy who was exactly where I was - starting at the bottom and had never run a day in her life but wanted to. We both got a Nike+ SportBand that comes with a coach feature. We started a "Walk to Run" coaching program that walked us through every single day exactly what to do and followed it like our lives depended on it. I'm only 8 weeks into that 12 week program and I'm running 2+ miles a day 6 days a week. Yes, ME!
At the end of the 12 week program, we'll be running a 5K race. This will not be my first 5K but it will be the first one I actually run the entire way and run to compete rather than just complete.
And in October, I'm running my first half marathon! Yes, as in 13.1 miles of running. How fitting - my first half marathon is called the Halloween Half and I get to run it in my Halloween costume on my favorite day of the year. What could be better? Um... having the first draft of my novel complete before then, too?
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Feeling inadequate amidst success
I am an amazing woman who finds time to raise two young daughters and be a wife while working full time at my "real" job, train for my first half marathon in October, manage a family schedule going in at least three different ways daily AND write a book in my spare time while keeping up with my monthly reading for book club. Yes, I'm exhausted just thinking about it! So why is it that I feel inadequate?
I'm certain it is because I have not had a chance to write in several weeks and my resolve to live like a writer is failing as a test of character. I know I am being super hard on myself but I'm also being honest at the moment. I don't normally do guilt but lately I go to bed and feel guilty that amidst all the chaos of my life another day has gone by without writing. I found time to run 3 miles tonight and I am willing myself to read a 1000 page book this month for book club that I'm hopefully on track to finish by the end of the week. And yet, I can't find time in a day to write. And even when I do, like now, I'm writing on my blog instead of my manuscript!
If I look at it objectively I can admit that I've been extremely busy the last three weeks. My sister in law got married over the 4th of July weekend two states away (six-day road trip), Big Sister had a dance competition in Las Vegas two weeks before that (another road trip) and I didn't even have a moment to crack the laptop open on either trip. When I got back the laundry had doubled in size and the time I normally would have spent writing I spent getting caught up on laundry and getting my house into a semblance of order again before we have to pack for the next big trip at the end of the month for my family reunion. My running I can do at work at the gym and, with hubby working mostly night shifts lately, my evenings are devoted to dotting on my kids - not to mention the Dance Studio Shuttle Bus 4 days a week. So it isn't like I don't have valid "reasons" to have little writing to show for the last months. But that also isn't how I want to be - with a rational excuse/reason for not writing. No, I want to be a writer, damn it!
In the end, I'm going to quit my bitching, acknowledge what an amazing feat surviving and staying on top of my life is, and vow to do better in the coming weeks. It's like my hubby always says about the lottery: you'll never win if you don't play. The same can be said about writing: if you're not doing it every day, you'll never finish or get published.
I met a blogger (who I will keep anonymous to protect the innocent) a few weeks ago who has hundreds of followers and spouts advice to admiring fans everywhere and I learned that SHE. ISN'T. EVEN. PUBLISHED. YET. If she can get that big of a following and talk that kind of talk having 'only' landed an agent, think about what I can do once I get my first novel under my belt. I am recommitting myself starting now: I will stop procrastinating and just write!
I'm certain it is because I have not had a chance to write in several weeks and my resolve to live like a writer is failing as a test of character. I know I am being super hard on myself but I'm also being honest at the moment. I don't normally do guilt but lately I go to bed and feel guilty that amidst all the chaos of my life another day has gone by without writing. I found time to run 3 miles tonight and I am willing myself to read a 1000 page book this month for book club that I'm hopefully on track to finish by the end of the week. And yet, I can't find time in a day to write. And even when I do, like now, I'm writing on my blog instead of my manuscript!
If I look at it objectively I can admit that I've been extremely busy the last three weeks. My sister in law got married over the 4th of July weekend two states away (six-day road trip), Big Sister had a dance competition in Las Vegas two weeks before that (another road trip) and I didn't even have a moment to crack the laptop open on either trip. When I got back the laundry had doubled in size and the time I normally would have spent writing I spent getting caught up on laundry and getting my house into a semblance of order again before we have to pack for the next big trip at the end of the month for my family reunion. My running I can do at work at the gym and, with hubby working mostly night shifts lately, my evenings are devoted to dotting on my kids - not to mention the Dance Studio Shuttle Bus 4 days a week. So it isn't like I don't have valid "reasons" to have little writing to show for the last months. But that also isn't how I want to be - with a rational excuse/reason for not writing. No, I want to be a writer, damn it!
In the end, I'm going to quit my bitching, acknowledge what an amazing feat surviving and staying on top of my life is, and vow to do better in the coming weeks. It's like my hubby always says about the lottery: you'll never win if you don't play. The same can be said about writing: if you're not doing it every day, you'll never finish or get published.
I met a blogger (who I will keep anonymous to protect the innocent) a few weeks ago who has hundreds of followers and spouts advice to admiring fans everywhere and I learned that SHE. ISN'T. EVEN. PUBLISHED. YET. If she can get that big of a following and talk that kind of talk having 'only' landed an agent, think about what I can do once I get my first novel under my belt. I am recommitting myself starting now: I will stop procrastinating and just write!
Monday, June 21, 2010
I Am Not A Serial Killer
What an amazing read! Once in a great while a book comes along that actually lives up to the hype on the cover. This one claims to be "unputdownable" and it really was! It is a young adult horror novel but anyone will find the main character undeniably fascinating. Creepy, yes, but fascinating nonetheless. Since it is a young adult genre, even the violence is tame enough for those with a gentler disposition. I knew I would love this book regardless of it's merits since I met Dan Wells and got some great critique and mentoring from him at my writer's boot camp. It was even better than I had anticipated and made the hardback purchase for ass-kissing-with-the-author-so-he'd-share-his-secrets well worth it.
The main character is a 15-year old sociopath who's family owns a mortuary. He is fascinated with serial killers and because he is in therapy and knows he has issues he has constructed a whole lot of rules to keep from turning into a serial killer himself. When there is a real serial killer who comes to town and begins terrorizing the inhabitants, he must use his knowledge of the serial killers he has studied to try and figure out who is behind the killings. You don't know whether to love or hate him as he plays both protagonist and antagonist at times. The twists and turns and glimpses into a sociopath's mind keep you turning the pages so quickly that it is over before you could think twice about putting it down. I highly recommend this book to anyone - even the young adults it was marketed for.
The best part of this book for me personally was the fact it has proven, even though I have become an author turned crazy nit-picking reader, that good fiction can still be found and enjoyed. It is just sometimes harder to find...and comes packaged in the strangest of covers. This book also marks the first non-book club read for me this year. How utterly pathetic on so many levels...
The main character is a 15-year old sociopath who's family owns a mortuary. He is fascinated with serial killers and because he is in therapy and knows he has issues he has constructed a whole lot of rules to keep from turning into a serial killer himself. When there is a real serial killer who comes to town and begins terrorizing the inhabitants, he must use his knowledge of the serial killers he has studied to try and figure out who is behind the killings. You don't know whether to love or hate him as he plays both protagonist and antagonist at times. The twists and turns and glimpses into a sociopath's mind keep you turning the pages so quickly that it is over before you could think twice about putting it down. I highly recommend this book to anyone - even the young adults it was marketed for.
The best part of this book for me personally was the fact it has proven, even though I have become an author turned crazy nit-picking reader, that good fiction can still be found and enjoyed. It is just sometimes harder to find...and comes packaged in the strangest of covers. This book also marks the first non-book club read for me this year. How utterly pathetic on so many levels...
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